Breaking Now, Foul Ball, Playing Defense

If You’re A Feminist, Bend The F*cking Knee…

You know what’s more refreshing than finding a walking-distance waxing studio in LA that you feel TOTALLY COMFORTABLE in?

Finding a waxer who can talk MMA & UFC.

For me, it is one of the last pieces of an admittedly superficial puzzle that I have been hoping to complete by the time I’m thirty. Other pieces I have finally found include my perfect jeans & correct bra size…

Anyways,

There we were, last Saturday, two minority women, going about business as usual & having a candid discussion about Mayweather VS McGregor.

I asked Yani (my waxer) if she likes MMA & if she watched UFC fights. She said, yes & yes, which, for me, warrants a throw-back TayTay happy/surprised face-

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Yani was rooting for Mayweather while I was rooting for McGregor & we got to talking about humble beginnings-

I told her about Conor’s past as a plumber in Ireland, which she hadn’t known about, & she told me that Dana White used to be a bouncer, which I hadn’t known.

Then she said, ‘With a girl’s name, like ‘Dana,’ he must have gotten picked on a lot & probably had to get tough.’

Of course! Johnny Cash taught me that!

But honestly-

The thought that DANA WHITE, of all people, has a ‘girl’s name’ had NEVER occurred to me…

Because, he is DANA WHITE.

Now, I wouldn’t normally write about a trip to the waxer on the internet nor would I think that my conversation with Yani was anything extraordinary…

BUT THEN

THIS HAPPENED-

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&

I WANTED TO SCREAM AT LAUREN DUCA

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ESP AFTER-

THIS & THIS

& THIS TWEET-

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Which, to me, also translates to:

TAYLOR SWIFT IS A FEMINIST HERO WHO DESERVES NOTHING OTHER THAN UNWAVERING SUPPORT.

BUT!

Apparently, that is one step too far… For no apparent reason, that I can see, other than the fact that she is TAYLOR SWIFT.

I am genuinely shocked by the female backlash to LWYMMD, because if we were following fight rules-

“PROTECT YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES.”

Taylor would be one of the most celebrated female fighters of our time (instead of one of the most hated pop stars) & we would all be talking about Taylor Swift, 27,’s incredible knock-out win over Denver DJ, David Mueller, 55.

Instead, I keep hearing that Swift defending herself against attacks from other women is anti-feminist & her defending herself against Kanye is part of the larger problem of white privilege.

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Did we expect the young woman who just won her sexual assault trial to just ‘sit back & take it?’

(Are we over the fact that we have an abuser-in-chief who said it was okay to grab women by the p*ssy?)

In fighting, equality is the only term you accept before you start swinging.

McGregor landing a righteous uppercut on Mayweather is equality

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Photo: Isaac Brekken/AP

&

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Photo: Mark J. Rebilas/USA TODAY Sports

Mayweather knocking McGregor out is equality too.

“It used to be hard for me to watch,” Yani said, “but now, I’ll surprise my husband at the way I yell at the TV, telling them to hit each other.”

I laughed & told her that’s exactly how it is in my house too-

“You start to realize it’s an elegant game of strategy.”

“YES! Do you watch female fighting too?” She asked in an excited voice.

“Of course! Female fighters have some of the best, bloodiest fights.”

Is it considered anti-feminist for a female fighter to land a counter-punch on another female fighter?

No, actually, that’s equality. (I wonder if Lauren Duca watches MMA.)

So, why can’t we accept it when it comes from Taylor Swift?

Is it because the world of pop is somehow supposed to be more ‘polite?’

(What about Katy Perry’s ‘Swish Swish’?)

“Sometimes when I’m trying to understand a person’s motives, I play a little game. I assume the worst.”

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Question: What’s the worst reason we could have for hating T. Swift?

Answer: We equate her success with validation for the principles we feel personally oppressed by &, instead of hating oppression & inequality, we start to hate Taylor as we, in turn, become oppressors ourselves.

Now, let me ask, where in Taylor’s ouvre do you see her glorifying ANY form of inequality or oppression?

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While we have been equating Taylor to a White Walker,

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She has been using her success to fight for musician’s rights & as a platform to empower sexual assault survivors while fighting against rape culture in court…

& all we can talk about are the drawings.

 I understand why Taylor Swift is angry

&

It is a healthy, feminist anger.

We, like Kanye, have tried to make her part of our narrative

&

Taylor devouring her would-be destroyers,

Such as Kimye & Katy,

Before they could devour her

Is no different from Arya Stark killing, then wearing the faces of, those who have wronged her.

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Except-

Arya is fictional. She didn’t really do that. She can’t.

Taylor is real & she just did that-

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So, if you are a feminist fantasizing about Arya sitting on the Iron Throne

Then

Do me a favor-

Bend the f*cking knee

To a real bad*ss chick making self-defense sexy for real women.

Because

If a boy named ‘Dana‘ can make the UFC what it is today, then a girl named ‘Taylor Swift’ should be able reinvent herself as a Tea-Sipping Serpentine Queen.

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“Maybe I have overlearned the lesson of staying calm, biting my tongue, digging my fingernails into a clenched fist, smiling all the while, determined to present a composed face to the world.”

Hillary Clinton

Sipping ice tea till this heat wave passes,

Grl On Base

 

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Fantasy, Foul Ball

The Slut Wars (Spoiler: I always win.)

Have you ever loved something so much that you stop being able to tell where it ends & you begin?

Baseball. AmIrite?

The season has barely begun & I am already consumed by the beautiful, fanged creature that is Fantasy.

With clawed feet, it pads up to me in the dead of night & shakes me awake, screaming things like-

I THINK YOU HAVE TO DROP CHRIS DAVIS.

&

WHY HAVEN’T YOU FILLED YOUR DL SPOTS?

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BUT IT’S NOT FANTASY’S FAULT!!

It’s mine, b/c Fantasy is an extension of me (& of all of us who really play.)

…It puts a face to the monkey on your back. Actually, it puts a whole roster of faces on the monkey.

How you read these faces is very important. They can be very revealing

Last week, for instance, they revealed to me that I f*cked up @ the draft

Which led me down a path of progressively more & more demeaning trade proposals-

Ultimately revealing that I am a terrible Fantasy slut, who can’t even give it away (basically) for free.

This is my story.

Prologue (An Uber Inauspicious Start)

In the foggy, tipsy post-draft haze- I distinctly remember having suppressed a sinking feeling as I tried to track down my Uber driver. Uber, then exhaustion, eventually consumed me… & just when I thought I was safe

 I woke up, still in my draft overalls, with a sense of doom.

The Fantasy monster was back.

Act 1 (The Syndergaard Chapter)

We open on-

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 The first day of Fantasy is like the first day of school & I knew I was going to run into my ex (Syndergaard) w/ my frenemy (The Palmballers.)

ALL I was hoping for was that maybe Noah wouldn’t look so damn good.

Instead, he went 6 scoreless innings against the Braves, complete w/ 7 Ks. 😥

I started Fantasy with regret & a points deficit.

I regretted playing hard to get & sleeping on Syndergaard @ the draft…

This regret was followed by quite a few more. Namely (in the order in which they were drafted by me)Anthony Rizzo, Nelson Cruz, Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, Alex Bregman, & Carlos Santana. (I guess I was just being a power-hungry champ, blinded by big names…)

Don’t get me wrong, these are all excellent players. It’s just that, in a shallow H2H league, that kind of power is not hard to come by…

Act 2 (Drinking & Trading)

Close-up on me-

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As mortals, we have to come to terms w/ the fact that we may never know the answers to some of life’s great questions, like-

Why did I draft 7 1B eligible players & only 3 closers, 1 of whom is currently serving a suspension?

Just as supply & demand can play a key part in strategy, drinking & bargaining can play a key part in healing a broken heart & an unbalanced team.

…Is what the drunk & desperate (me) think, so I sent out a group text-

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‘This is just to let you know that I have begun drinking & contemplating trades…’

The smart & sober (Crabtree) took advantage by sending an incredibly uneven trade proposal, as I knew he would.

I countered & we wound up agreeing on Jeurys Familia & Jose Ramirez (from my team, the ‘Staches) for Seung Hwan Oh & Javier Baez (from the Cracker Jacks.)

Sure, that’s still an uneven trade, but I was in it for having another available closer sooner rather than later (just as Crabtree was in it b/c Oh had been f*cking up & he was Oh-ver it 🙂 ) & for a multi-position-eligible-back-up SS.

Act 3 (The Fantasy Pharma Bro)

Cue foreboding music-

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Before I could regret my trade w/ Crabtree

It was vetoed.

Yes, it takes 2 to veto, but only 1 Pharma Bro (The K-Town Selfie King & Hoaxer)-FullSizeRender(9)

Diabolical.

I thought… & genius. Of course it had been the Hoaxers’ plan all along to control the market on RPs (& use them to control his pitching stats) & SBs (he also targeted base stealers who hit for AVG @ the draft.)

His goal is to build a winning machine that, w/ careful managing (or, rather, w/ careful benching,) ALWAYS takes SBs, FPCT, AVG, OBP, Ls, SVs, ERA, & WHIP.

I knew the joke was on us-

The Hoaxer had(s) us all in compromising positions & for what he knows we will all eventually need-

He wants nothing but the best for himself (& his beautiful machine.)

…The trade negotiations that followed can only be compared to when you’re trying to break things off w/ a f*ck buddy after a bad break-up & subsequent dry spell-

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You know it’s not a good look…

You say each time is the last time,

That you will not stoop any lower-

Yet, to each ‘You up?’ text, you find yourself responding…

Until you finally wind up offering Jeurys Familia & Christian Yelich for Alex Colome & Hector Neris.

That’s pretty slutty, so imagine my surprise when he rejected my offer & THEN SAID HE WANTED STARLING MARTE (my best/only shot at competing in SBs.) That’s just wrong.

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I had to end the madness & put down the phone.

Epilogue (The Karma DL)

Sometimes, after a difficult ordeal-

It’s just you & your monkey…

So, I took a long, hard look @ my roster, made some moves (including dropping Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, & Alex Bregman & picking up James Paxton, Cam Bedrosian, Odubel Herrera, & Elvis Andrus,) & I wound up winning my week 1 match-up against the Palmballers, 7 – 4.

As for my DL spots-

Shortly after sending this text (directed @ our league’s newbie, my match-up this week)-

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…I found myself putting Jackie Bradley Jr. & Buster Posey on the Karma DL-

Something someone else I know should be wary of, ’cause guess where he’s going when the time comes…

😉

Here I Go Again (On My Ooown,)

Your Grl On Base

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Breaking Now, Fantasy, State of the Union

You May Say I’m a Dreamer… But I’m Not the Only One: On Fantasy & The WBC

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What do Team USA & I have in common?

All we do is win.

The US has their first WBC title

&

I am in possession of my Fantasy league’s schmexy trophy jacket. 🙂

Yes,

I’m planning a parade

OF SELFIES-

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But then,

I did actually win this jacket &

It was not easy &

That’s the point.

Interestingly enough, the league-mate who has been coming for my jacket the hardest (by way of talk) is the Newbie

A Cards fan, who drafted Yadi.

Figures.

All I can say is-

The Cards‘ home opener is tomorrow &

They are playing the Cubs &

I have Bryant & Rizzo &

We are going to hit him where it hurts. ❤

Actually,
What hurts the most
Was being so close
& Watching Thor go away-

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Never knowing
What could have been
& That not sleeping on him
Is what I was tryin’ to do 😥

 I prepped for days, even made a binder w/ Syndergaard’s New Yorker cover on it…

Still

STILL.

…Losing my NUMBER ONE BASEBALL VALENTINE was definitely the worst part of the draft for me… To make matters worse, my week 1 matchup is against the Palmballers

That makes for a Terrible, Horrible, Noah Good Opening Day for the ‘Staches. 😥

But that’s the draft-

We all come thinking we have everything to gain…

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When really-

One person’s gain is everyone else’s pain

&

One person’s pain is everyone else’s gain

&

As you can see,

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We all packed a lot of both into one small karaoke studio in Little Tokyo.

But in the end-

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IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER…

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The reality is, we are a shallow league. We all have amazing teams.

I slept on Syndergaard, but I still got 4 of my Top 10′ (Archer, Marte, Bryant, & Machado.) Plus, I picked up Stroman… & got to watch him become WBC MVP after going 6 hitless for Team USA in the final game.

(I’m so glad I got to share that moment with Commissioner Crabtree & his ‘wave’ of solid pitching. 😉 )

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YesThe WAVE is back… The one chick in the league still digs the long ball (you can take the grl outta Camden…) The Palmballers had another quietly strong draft complete w/ some well-timed steals…

SOMEONE had to panic & pick an Athletic no one’s ever heard of & so Ryon Healy became a South Bay Baller in round 22. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Of course- I’ve saved the worst & best for last

Along with taking Yadi, our Resident Rookie (replacing LameFace McGillicuddy) also took J.D. Martinez, David Price, Ian Desmond, & Carlos Carrasco, ALL of whom are dealing w/ injuries-

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That’s the worst.

The best?

The best draft, I have to admit, went to the league Selfie King (a man w/ a fashion scarf is someone to fear.)

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Commitment clearly isn’t a problem here… &, while I flirted w/ stocking up on base stealers & quality RPs, K-Town actually scored.

So, let the ‘fuck-withery‘ begin!

B/c, in baseball,

Caring is competing-
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&
That is the real reason why my league & the WBC have meant so much to me.

“‘Baseball has an opportunity to heal the country, because of the political, ethnic and racial diversity in its locker room. No other sport has that…’

-Chuck Todd

I know winning isn’t winning without every other player-

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&

That’s why I’m as proud of being our league’s Lady Champ as I am of all of our beloved MLB players who played their hearts out for their countries of origin in the WBC.

I particularly love what Manny had to say about playing for the Dominican Republic (& what his Abuelo had to say about the importance of the bunt.)

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A Team Baller,

Your Grl On Base

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Foul Ball, Playing Defense

#Feminism = The Belief In Basic Human Decency …& Tacos

Yesterday, on International Women’s Day, I wore red to work, but I was still avoiding my old-new-favorite lunch place b/c of a dude who works there-

A dude, who’d asked me out while proudly rocking a cold sore & said, ‘I don’t care,’ when I told him I’m married.

A dude who knows I work across the street & run on tacos.

A dude, who’d always been a little inappropriate

Y’know,

A dude, who I’d always thought was ‘just being a dude.’

:/

See,

#Manspreading has been around for a very long time-

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&

It isn’t just limited to public transportation & Conor McGregor

It’s the state of believing that, as a man, you have the right to more & to be more comfortable.

It is about wanting to have the most space (& power)-

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The first time I noticed it was in school, where I found myself perpetually sandwiched between the dirty sneakers of #manspreadersintraining sitting behind me & the greasy hair of ones seated in front of me.

…That was well before there was a term for #manspreading & before anyone had explained to me that #feminists are just full of,

Y’know,

WANTING WOMEN TO BE TREATED WITH BASIC HUMAN DECENCY-

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#Feminism is important to me b/c, growing-up, whenever I had experiences where I wasn’t treated w/ basic human decency by men, I’d just think-

‘Well, that sucked, but that’s life.’

Now, I know it was/is just,

Y’know,

#Sexism-

Which is a name for something I/WE can fight.

Tomorrow, I’m grabbing back my tacos
&
I encourage all women everywhere to do the same.

#TakeBackYourSpace

…Here’s a helpful ‘how-to’ video from last night’s Survivor premiere,

Courtesy of Sandra Diaz-Twine aka #THEQUEEN

SHE WAS EVEN WEARING RED.

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Well-played, Sandra.

TY for the reminder that to stay #THEQUEEN, you must always move like #THEQUEEN.

Taco Queen,

Your Grl On Base

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Breaking Now, Playing Defense, State of the Union

A Salty State: One Grl’s Take on Changing the Game

So, they’re getting rid of the four-pitch intentional walk…

To ‘improve the pace of game play.’

My favorite reaction-

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I reacted to the news the same way I reacted to Rory’s pregnancy announcement on the Netflix Gilmore Girls’ Revival

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It just makes no sense.

Baseball’s slogan might as well be ‘good things come to those who wait.’

That’s the point.

LOOK AT GAME 7 OF THE 2016 WORLD SERIES.

Even the saltiest Cubs‘ critics (myself included) have to admit-

Forcing a Game 7 & then breaking a 108-year-old curse after rain delaying extra innings is what baseball is all about.

It is about what is possible in each & every moment

It is about inducing

& withstanding

Chaos

&

Only then

Achieving greatness.

If you don’t have time for that, we probably can’t be friends.

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Don’t even get me started on the idea of starting extra innings w/ a runner on 2nd…

It’s baseball. No one is ‘born on second.’

A bag must be earned (& someone’s paying.)

Again, this is baseball. Not Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

I’m 100% with my bf on this one-

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Where he & I will probably argue-

Is whether or not to raise the strike zone…

While, in a larger sense, baseball is a perfect metaphor for life

In a smaller sense, it’s about arguing the strike zone…

&

I am for raising the strike zone

&

It’s not just b/c I’m an O’s fan. (I swear!)

Just imagine though-

Trumbo @ Camden w/ a raised strike zone…

Watch out, PECOTA! 😀

 …But it’s not about a revenge fantasy, it’s about stats. (I swear!)

‘More and more pitchers throwing harder and harder is a brutally efficient run prevention methodology that works. The inventory of power arms only grows. That’s because throwing a baseball is a very specific skill with few variables…

Hitting, on the other hand, is a complex read-and-react skill that involves far more variables. The training gap will only grow…

Hitters have less time than ever to react—while facing more pitchers with better stuff than ever. And so the rate of strikeouts has gone up for 11 consecutive years.’

To me, raising the strike zone is an adjustment that doesn’t compromise the integrity of the game.

It would be the baseball equivalent of extending the 3-point line in basketball or, dare I even say it- establishing a 4-point line.

Unlike getting rid of the four-pitch intentional walk, it would ‘improve the pace of game play’ considerably w/ more balls in play & higher scoring games.

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Now, here’s where I disagree with the Sports Illustrated article quoted above-

‘The raising of the strike zone is nothing but a small, interim step—baseball’s typical rate of change—to modernize the game. Until baseball moves to the inevitabilities of a pitch clock, a limited number of timeouts and a governor on relief pitching (such as requiring a minimum of two batters faced), everything else is just small nips and tucks that don’t amount to real change.’

Um, no.

Out of all team sports, baseball is the most individual.

Only in baseball do you get this mano a mano moment-

What more do you want from them?!?!

Let them take their goddamn time
&
RORY & JESS BELONG TOGETHER, NO STRINGS ATTACHED!!!

That is all.

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I’m off to secure a tall bookshelf & stream a spring training game now…

❤ Your Grl On Base

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Breaking Now, Fantasy

Your Top 10 Baseball Valentines

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Screenshot from ESPN’s ’30 for 30: Silly Little Game’

Ah, February 14th, Valentine’s Day

But, more importantly, it’s the beginning of Spring Training!!!

If you’re like me, you’ve had enough teasing from MLB.com’s FB Feed & you’re ready to get down to it.

A long Fantasy dry spell can leave a grl a lil thirsty

So, to celebrate the return of Baseball & Fantasy, I’ve created a top 10 list of Red Hot Baseball Valentines for all my Bad *ss Fantasy Baes out there.

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The players listed below are not just certifiable hotties

  They also (in my humble opinion) have a H2H Fantasy Ranking above 100 (w/ One #BigSexy Exception, b/c, c’mon how could I not include Bartolo?)

Take a good look, ladies, b/c these hot studs are packin’ even hotter stats & will be going fast in your upcoming drafts.
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Photo: @Mets (1 Mar 2016)

# 10Bartolo Colon – Ok, let’s face it- Bartolo may be going to the Braves, but he’s not going anywhere fast (in Fantasy or reality.) Still, it’s #BigSexy! He’s a huggable hurler w/ plenty of love to go around-

Report: Colon Being Sued For Child Support By Woman Who’s Not His Wife

Rosanna Colon confirmed to the Post that she has known about her husband’s second family for some time but would not elaborate.’

You can’t be the possessive type with #BigSexy.

You have to appreciate him for who he is-

A larger-than-life streamer who probably won’t blow up your ERA.

Tampa Bay Rays v New York Yankees

Photo: Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

#9Chris Archer – He may be a little emotional on the mound, but if you’re looking for sensitivity & strike outs galore, look no further than Archer.

Charismatic & passionate about community service, Chris is def. bae-material-

Just don’t be late & always respond to his tweets.

I know, I know-

He didn’t have the best 2016. (Who did?)

Taking Archer requires faith, but I believe he is more than deserving.

# 8Jake Arrieta A pitcher worth a thousand words

i

Photo: Marcus Eriksson/ESPN

…Next! 😉

# 7Xander Bogaerts – Quick! Who’s your shortstop? Seager (on deck,) Lindor, or Correa? You wouldn’t bae alone. Those are the guys topping MLB Network’s ‘Top 10 Shortstops Right Now’ list. (So you know they’ll be drafted fast.)

Who else can a grl trust to have her back?

Bogaerts.

Boston Red Sox Photo Day

Photo: Elsa/Getty Images

The X-Man is the guy you know about, but didn’t know you needed.

In 2016

Xander had a better average (& hit 1 more home run) than Correa, got 11 more RBIs than Lindor, & stole 13 bases to Seager’s 3.

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R.B.I. Baseball 17 Promo

# 6Cory Seager -> Cougars meet Cory, 2016 NL Rookie of the Year. He’s just 22, but has no problem connecting (193 hits in 2016.)

He’s so Seager to please-

Everyone wants to play w/ him.

That’s why he’s R.B.I. Baseball 17’s cover athlete.

If you like shiny new things, seek out Seager in sunny LA.

Your ex is gonna be soooo jealous.

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Photo: MLB.com

# 5Starling Marte – A good man may be hard to find, but finding stolen bases can be even harder

That’s why it’s worth snagging Marte before he’s gone.

In 2016, he stole 47 bases & my ❤ –

Starling isn’t just good for SBs

‘He has blossomed into a true five-tool player, just as capable of changing a game in left field or on the bases as he is at the plate.’

My advice: Run w/ him & don’t look back.

# 4Kris Bryant – If you’re the kinda grl that likes to roll w/ the most popular jock on the block, bet on Bryant.

Not likely to be lacking in confidence, he’s coming off an epic World Series win w/ the Cubs & a sizzling Express ad campaign

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2016 Express Fall/Winter Campaign

Those baby blues are waiting to take you home.

(RBIs & HRs for days, ladies.)

# 3 –  Clayton Kershaw – Like a Golden Retriever, Kersherz is shaggy-haired, blonde, & reliable.

Able to recognize a good thing when he has it, Clayton isn’t going to let you run away.

Case in point-

He married his high school sweetheart & he’s got a killer ERA.

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Photo: Elsa/Getty Images

You’re never going to have to worry about Kershaw.

He’s just that good

…until the postseason…

Bae-ware

The Kersh is not good under pressure.

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Photo: MLB.com

#2Manny Machado – For those of you who have been scrolling down this list waiting for someone to really get your engine going, this jug-eared hothead is the Manny for you.

He isn’t f*cking messing around-

Machado is prepared to smash anything & anyone that comes at him.

Forget getting your name tattooed on his arm, Manny will get your whole damn face

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The human equivalent of a hot rod, this guy isn’t slowing down anytime soon.

# 1Noah Syndergaard

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Photo: Elsa/Getty Images

Nicknamed Thor, after the hammer wielding Norse god, you Noah that Syndergaard knows how to make an impression-

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Like Manny, he’s got 0 f*cks to give-

Syndergaard is slumping,’ they said last August.

‘Could be the bone spur in his pitching elbow.’

…Um, did you see the NL Wild Card Game last year?

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That’s what happens when you test a god.

(Alas, even gods need run support.)

Don’t be basic w/ Syndergaard

Just be happy to have witnessed next level hotness.

🙂

Well, there you have it-

10 Damn Fine Ballers.

…I think OG Fantasy Bae, Valerie Salembier, would be proud.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Your Grl On Base.

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