SPRING TRAINING HAS SPRUNG.
MANNY IS A PADRE.
THE ORIOLES ARE UNDEFEATED.
What A Time To Be Alive
SPRING TRAINING HAS SPRUNG.
MANNY IS A PADRE.
THE ORIOLES ARE UNDEFEATED.
What A Time To Be Alive
THANK-YOU, DAN CLARK.
It has been driving me CRaZy the way everybody has been comparing the two, like they rly think Manny Machado & Bryce Harper are of the same caliber.
Manny is 100% going to bless whichever lucky team finally lands him. Harper is going to bring two hair dryers &, ok, probs some home runs.
Unrivaled defensive capabilities aside-
I’m also willing to bet that Manny hits MORE home runs AND hits for a better average …&, that at the end of the 2019 season, Manny from Miami will have an OPS above Bryce’s & a brighter future.
If Manny ends up with the Padres, it’s really what we all deserve.
I wouldn’t be mad at it. It would give me an excuse to plan a weekend trip to San Diego & finally check out Petco Park.
I think the Padres might surprise people this year & signing Manny would be a great way to start.
I also think of a sad, tan man from San Diego, who I met on a Grapeline Wine Tour in 2015. He was really bummed out about his son deciding to quit baseball. & the Padres.
Can you imagine a world where Manny Machado helps bring the Padres to their first World Series win? Wouldn’t you rather see that than see the Yankees or Red Sox or even the Astros win (again)? (Sad, tan man would.)
Isn’t imagining That World part of the BeAuTy of BaSeBAll
Even if it’s really, really, really unlikely-
You still gotta believe, right?
It builds character (& possibly five grand.) I also firmly believe that this is why there is such a lack of character in so many Yankees fans-
(I guess if Manny ends up with the Yankees, which I know he’d love, it’ll be what I really deserve. >_<)
But for now, I’m going to revel in one of my favorite Manny/Orioles memories…
*ThAt TiMe* Yordano Ventura (may he rest in peace) hit Machado with a fastball & Manny charged the mound & Adam Jones PAID HIS FINE.
SOMEBODY PLZ SIGN MANNY MACHADO & ADAM JONES ALREADY.
*~* I *politely* DGAF about Bryce Harper. *~*
Ummmm… It’s been awhile, and honestly,
We are approaching Spring Training and the MLB Hot Stove is still ice-cold, so we have only JROD to keep ourselves warm.
Oh, and these amazing tweets-
…In other news, I finally came to my millennial senses and have decided to start expressing myself by making crazy YouTube videos. This is a big deal for me, as I have loved writing long run-on sentences pretty much since birth. However, there are athletes currently competing in the Winter Olympics who were born after the year 2000, so yea…
You know what’s more refreshing than finding a walking-distance waxing studio in LA that you feel TOTALLY COMFORTABLE in?
Finding a waxer who can talk MMA & UFC.
For me, it is one of the last pieces of an admittedly superficial puzzle that I have been hoping to complete by the time I’m thirty. Other pieces I have finally found include my perfect jeans & correct bra size…
There we were, last Saturday, two minority women, going about business as usual & having a candid discussion about Mayweather VS McGregor.
I asked Yani (my waxer) if she likes MMA & if she watched UFC fights. She said, yes & yes, which, for me, warrants a throw-back TayTay happy/surprised face-
Yani was rooting for Mayweather while I was rooting for McGregor & we got to talking about humble beginnings-
I told her about Conor’s past as a plumber in Ireland, which she hadn’t known about, & she told me that Dana White used to be a bouncer, which I hadn’t known.
Then she said, ‘With a girl’s name, like ‘Dana,’ he must have gotten picked on a lot & probably had to get tough.’
Of course! Johnny Cash taught me that!
The thought that DANA WHITE, of all people, has a ‘girl’s name’ had NEVER occurred to me…
Because, he is DANA WHITE.
Now, I wouldn’t normally write about a trip to the waxer on the internet nor would I think that my conversation with Yani was anything extraordinary…
I WANTED TO SCREAM AT LAUREN DUCA–
& THIS TWEET-
Which, to me, also translates to:
TAYLOR SWIFT IS A FEMINIST HERO WHO DESERVES NOTHING OTHER THAN UNWAVERING SUPPORT.
Apparently, that is one step too far… For no apparent reason, that I can see, other than the fact that she is TAYLOR SWIFT.
I am genuinely shocked by the female backlash to LWYMMD, because if we were following fight rules-
“PROTECT YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES.”
Taylor would be one of the most celebrated female fighters of our time (instead of one of the most hated pop stars) & we would all be talking about Taylor Swift, 27,’s incredible knock-out win over Denver DJ, David Mueller, 55.
Instead, I keep hearing that Swift defending herself against attacks from other women is anti-feminist & her defending herself against Kanye is part of the larger problem of white privilege.
Did we expect the young woman who just won her sexual assault trial to just ‘sit back & take it?’
(Are we over the fact that we have an abuser-in-chief who said it was okay to grab women by the p*ssy?)
In fighting, equality is the only term you accept before you start swinging.
McGregor landing a righteous uppercut on Mayweather is equality
Mayweather knocking McGregor out is equality too.
“It used to be hard for me to watch,” Yani said, “but now, I’ll surprise my husband at the way I yell at the TV, telling them to hit each other.”
I laughed & told her that’s exactly how it is in my house too-
“You start to realize it’s an elegant game of strategy.”
“YES! Do you watch female fighting too?” She asked in an excited voice.
“Of course! Female fighters have some of the best, bloodiest fights.”
Is it considered anti-feminist for a female fighter to land a counter-punch on another female fighter?
No, actually, that’s equality. (I wonder if Lauren Duca watches MMA.)
So, why can’t we accept it when it comes from Taylor Swift?
Is it because the world of pop is somehow supposed to be more ‘polite?’
(What about Katy Perry’s ‘Swish Swish’?)
“Sometimes when I’m trying to understand a person’s motives, I play a little game. I assume the worst.”
Question: What’s the worst reason we could have for hating T. Swift?
Answer: We equate her success with validation for the principles we feel personally oppressed by &, instead of hating oppression & inequality, we start to hate Taylor as we, in turn, become oppressors ourselves.
Now, let me ask, where in Taylor’s ouvre do you see her glorifying ANY form of inequality or oppression?
While we have been equating Taylor to a White Walker,
She has been using her success to fight for musician’s rights & as a platform to empower sexual assault survivors while fighting against rape culture in court…
& all we can talk about are the drawings.
We, like Kanye, have tried to make her part of our narrative
Taylor devouring her would-be destroyers,
Such as Kimye & Katy,
Before they could devour her
Is no different from Arya Stark killing, then wearing the faces of, those who have wronged her.
Arya is fictional. She didn’t really do that. She can’t.
Taylor is real & she just did that-
So, if you are a feminist fantasizing about Arya sitting on the Iron Throne
Do me a favor-
If a boy named ‘Dana‘ can make the UFC what it is today, then a girl named ‘Taylor Swift’ should be able reinvent herself as a Tea-Sipping Serpentine Queen.
Sipping ice tea till this heat wave passes,
Have you ever loved something so much that you stop being able to tell where it ends & you begin?
The season has barely begun & I am already consumed by the beautiful, fanged creature that is Fantasy.
With clawed feet, it pads up to me in the dead of night & shakes me awake, screaming things like-
I THINK YOU HAVE TO DROP CHRIS DAVIS.
WHY HAVEN’T YOU FILLED YOUR DL SPOTS?
BUT IT’S NOT FANTASY’S FAULT!!
It’s mine, b/c Fantasy is an extension of me (& of all of us who really play.)
…It puts a face to the monkey on your back. Actually, it puts a whole roster of faces on the monkey.
How you read these faces is very important. They can be very revealing–
Last week, for instance, they revealed to me that I f*cked up @ the draft–
Which led me down a path of progressively more & more demeaning trade proposals-
Ultimately revealing that I am a terrible Fantasy slut, who can’t even give it away (basically) for free.
This is my story.
Prologue (An Uber Inauspicious Start)
In the foggy, tipsy post-draft haze- I distinctly remember having suppressed a sinking feeling as I tried to track down my Uber driver. Uber, then exhaustion, eventually consumed me… & just when I thought I was safe–
I woke up, still in my draft overalls, with a sense of doom.
The Fantasy monster was back.
Act 1 (The Syndergaard Chapter)
The first day of Fantasy is like the first day of school & I knew I was going to run into my ex (Syndergaard) w/ my frenemy (The Palmballers.)
ALL I was hoping for was that maybe Noah wouldn’t look so damn good.
Instead, he went 6 scoreless innings against the Braves, complete w/ 7 Ks. 😥
I regretted playing hard to get & sleeping on Syndergaard @ the draft…
This regret was followed by quite a few more. Namely (in the order in which they were drafted by me)– Anthony Rizzo, Nelson Cruz, Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, Alex Bregman, & Carlos Santana. (I guess I was just being a power-hungry champ, blinded by big names…)
Don’t get me wrong, these are all excellent players. It’s just that, in a shallow H2H league, that kind of power is not hard to come by…
Act 2 (Drinking & Trading)
As mortals, we have to come to terms w/ the fact that we may never know the answers to some of life’s great questions, like-
Why did I draft 7 1B eligible players & only 3 closers, 1 of whom is currently serving a suspension?
Just as supply & demand can play a key part in strategy, drinking & bargaining can play a key part in healing a broken heart & an unbalanced team.
…Is what the drunk & desperate (me) think, so I sent out a group text-
‘This is just to let you know that I have begun drinking & contemplating trades…’
The smart & sober (Crabtree) took advantage by sending an incredibly uneven trade proposal, as I knew he would.
I countered & we wound up agreeing on Jeurys Familia & Jose Ramirez (from my team, the ‘Staches) for Seung Hwan Oh & Javier Baez (from the Cracker Jacks.)
Sure, that’s still an uneven trade, but I was in it for having another available closer sooner rather than later (just as Crabtree was in it b/c Oh had been f*cking up & he was Oh-ver it 🙂 ) & for a multi-position-eligible-back-up SS.
Act 3 (The Fantasy Pharma Bro)
Before I could regret my trade w/ Crabtree–
It was vetoed.
Yes, it takes 2 to veto, but only 1 Pharma Bro (The K-Town Selfie King & Hoaxer)-
I thought… & genius. Of course it had been the Hoaxers’ plan all along to control the market on RPs (& use them to control his pitching stats) & SBs (he also targeted base stealers who hit for AVG @ the draft.)
I knew the joke was on us-
The Hoaxer had(s) us all in compromising positions & for what he knows we will all eventually need-
He wants nothing but the best for himself (& his beautiful machine.)
…The trade negotiations that followed can only be compared to when you’re trying to break things off w/ a f*ck buddy after a bad break-up & subsequent dry spell-
You know it’s not a good look…
You say each time is the last time,
That you will not stoop any lower-
Yet, to each ‘You up?’ text, you find yourself responding…
Until you finally wind up offering Jeurys Familia & Christian Yelich for Alex Colome & Hector Neris.
That’s pretty slutty, so imagine my surprise when he rejected my offer & THEN SAID HE WANTED STARLING MARTE (my best/only shot at competing in SBs.) That’s just wrong.
Epilogue (The Karma DL)
Sometimes, after a difficult ordeal-
It’s just you & your monkey…
So, I took a long, hard look @ my roster, made some moves (including dropping Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, & Alex Bregman & picking up James Paxton, Cam Bedrosian, Odubel Herrera, & Elvis Andrus,) & I wound up winning my week 1 match-up against the Palmballers, 7 – 4.
As for my DL spots-
Shortly after sending this text (directed @ our league’s newbie, my match-up this week)-
Something someone else I know should be wary of, ’cause guess where he’s going when the time comes…
Here I Go Again (On My Ooown,)
Your Grl On Base
What do Team USA & I have in common?
All we do is win.
The US has their first WBC title
I am in possession of my Fantasy league’s schmexy trophy jacket. 🙂
I’m planning a parade…
I did actually win this jacket &
That’s the point.
Interestingly enough, the league-mate who has been coming for my jacket the hardest (by way of talk) is the Newbie–
A Cards fan, who drafted Yadi.
All I can say is-
The Cards‘ home opener is tomorrow &
They are playing the Cubs &
I have Bryant & Rizzo &
We are going to hit him where it hurts. ❤
What hurts the most
Was being so close
& Watching Thor go away-
What could have been
& That not sleeping on him
Is what I was tryin’ to do 😥
I prepped for days, even made a binder w/ Syndergaard’s New Yorker cover on it…
…Losing my NUMBER ONE BASEBALL VALENTINE was definitely the worst part of the draft for me… To make matters worse, my week 1 matchup is against the Palmballers…
That makes for a Terrible, Horrible, Noah Good Opening Day for the ‘Staches. 😥
But that’s the draft-
We all come thinking we have everything to gain…
One person’s gain is everyone else’s pain
One person’s pain is everyone else’s gain…
As you can see,
We all packed a lot of both into one small karaoke studio in Little Tokyo.
But in the end-
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER…
The reality is, we are a shallow league. We all have amazing teams.
I slept on Syndergaard, but I still got 4 of my ‘Top 10′ (Archer, Marte, Bryant, & Machado.) Plus, I picked up Stroman… & got to watch him become WBC MVP after going 6 hitless for Team USA in the final game.
(I’m so glad I got to share that moment with Commissioner Crabtree & his ‘wave’ of solid pitching. 😉 )
Yes– The WAVE is back… The one chick in the league still digs the long ball (you can take the grl outta Camden…) The Palmballers had another quietly strong draft complete w/ some well-timed steals…
SOMEONE had to panic & pick an Athletic no one’s ever heard of & so Ryon Healy became a South Bay Baller in round 22. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Of course- I’ve saved the worst & best for last…
Along with taking Yadi, our Resident Rookie (replacing LameFace McGillicuddy) also took J.D. Martinez, David Price, Ian Desmond, & Carlos Carrasco, ALL of whom are dealing w/ injuries-
That’s the worst.
The best draft, I have to admit, went to the league Selfie King (a man w/ a fashion scarf is someone to fear.)
Commitment clearly isn’t a problem here… &, while I flirted w/ stocking up on base stealers & quality RPs, K-Town actually scored.
So, let the ‘fuck-withery‘ begin!
B/c, in baseball,
I know winning isn’t winning without every other player-
That’s why I’m as proud of being our league’s Lady Champ as I am of all of our beloved MLB players who played their hearts out for their countries of origin in the WBC.
I particularly love what Manny had to say about playing for the Dominican Republic (& what his Abuelo had to say about the importance of the bunt.)
A Team Baller,
Your Grl On Base
My dude friend was there, as I suspected he would be, but he did not wind up taking my order…
Nor did he speak a word to me the entire time…
For the first time since I started getting tacos there, I was able to read my book in silence while waiting for my food.
Your Grl On Base