Welp, I’m just going to say it-
I would rather see the Royals in the 2016 playoffs than see Deadpool again.
…I knew from the opening credits, the way you know when your team is playing the Royals in a post-season game, that it was going to be a sh*t show-
I did NOT know it was going to be a seemingly un-ending, incredibly sexist, subtly racist barrage of torture porn and violence.
In fact, unlike most Royals games, I was looking forward to seeing Deadpool. It was my husband, a weary Hollywood screenwriter, who was dragging his feet on going (anything scripted gives him work agita.)
Then, his brother came to stay with us for the weekend and we were both like-
‘OMG, LETZ GO SEE DEADPOOL!’
So, on a Sunday that started like a Wes Anderson movie (twins playing guitars,) we made our way to see DEADPOOL! and it went a little something like this-
I watched as it got more and more f*cked up.
It must have f*cked me up, because for days afterwards I couldn’t stop coming up with new ways to describe how awful it was. It consumed me. Finally, I hit rock bottom and created this-
…It’s essentially a postmodern breakdown of game 2 of the 2015 ALDS.
‘We Will Never Be Royaaals’ is the current working title, but I’m open to other suggestions.
The point is-
What I’ve made is ridiculous. It’s gratuitous and irreverent and just because it’s sorta funny doesn’t mean it has any right existing-
That is exactly how I felt about Deadpool.
I felt like it crossed too many lines while proving nothing-
Given how f*cked up the non-fiction world is right now, surely Hollywood can give us better than that?
So, why do we need to have a leading man, in a superhero movie kids can’t help but want to see, graphically tortured to the point of disfiguration?
Many people go to the movies for a fun distraction. What if you were dealing with a cancer diagnosis? Recovering from a burn wound? What if you’re a survivor of domestic abuse? …That’s serious– period. Those lines between Deadpool and Vanessa that make light of being abused are not funny– period.
(By the way- People will laugh at a video of a person running into a pole over and over again. Does that make it a great film? What if the person running into the pole intermittently addresses the viewer and cracks a joke or two? Hmm?)
But, let’s move on-
I mean, I am a GRL first and I would not encourage other GRLS to see this movie.
Deadpool’s GRL problem is clearly depicted in the scene where Vanessa straps it on and whispers in Deadpool’s ear, ‘Happy International Woman’s Day.’
To me, that scene isn’t about Deadpool’s supposed bisexuality (if it is, it’s poorly done.) It’s about a fundamental misunderstanding of feminism-
Feminism isn’t about fucking over men. It’s not about dominance.
It’s about equality and choice.
…It’s not about wishing that all baseball analysts be women, but understanding the importance of women like Jessica Mendoza.
…It’s about being outraged by what happened to Erin Andrews and others before her. (If they were male, I’d be just as outraged, but they aren’t are they?)
…It’s about not making the female lead a helpless damsel-in-distress, whose fate is left in the hands of two giant a-holes–
Seriously, Deadpool’s leaving was a d*ck move (also a stupid one)-
So, why doesn’t Vanessa move on to a new, better relationship? (One where her partner stays with her through the good and the bad.)
I’ll tell you why-
It’s because this movie also has an insidious slut-shaming problem that goes hand in hand with its sexism.
-Vanessa is a sex worker when she & Deadpool meet, yet- you never see her with another guy (or girl.) Ever. (I guess she quit after she and Deadpool started dating.)
–When Deadpool comes back after leaving her in the middle of the goddamn night… she’s single and working hard… at a strip club… as… wait for it… a cocktail waitress– not as a stripper- implying that if she was, she wouldn’t be good enough to be ‘Deadpool’s Girlfriend.’
But, the real question is-
Why can’t she be the running place? #GIRLBOSS
…To those of you who point to her coming to Deadpool’s aid in the final battle as evidence of her empowerment, I ask-
Why, because she saved her sarcastic d*ck of an ex after he left her and then came back only to get her kidnapped by the world’s most sadistic –and ridiculous- Brit?
Let’s just say, I’m not convinced.
I also had a problem with seeing Colossus –a giant man- repeatedly hitting Angel Dust.
Yes, Gina Carano is a badass, but- with all the domestic violence issues in pro sports today- do we really have to go there like that?
…Speaking of going there– Karan Soni, the American-born actor who plays Dopinder (the cab driver with a heavy Indian accent,) actually speaks like this.
Casually breezing by the fact that Deadpool refuses to pay him and encourages him to kidnap his crush…
Isn’t that what Aziz Ansari is talking about here?
Why couldn’t Karan Soni use his normal speaking voice for that role?
This is 2016 not 1961.
To those of you still insisting-
‘But, that’s how it’s written in the comic books!’
Maybe, I’m saying I have a problem with how it’s written.
I’m not a comic book nerd-
Clearly, I mean, I am a GRL
& no GRLs like comic books, just like no GRLs like baseball… Right?)
…Look, I can’t stop Deadpool from doing really well or the Royals from making it to the playoffs again, but-
I can choose to believe that we’re better than that and that, unlike Deadpool, people shouldn’t be cynical to a fault. …I mean, I’m an O’s fan, but even I’m sorta pullin’ for the Cubs this year. Yeah, even after that #partyFowler with Dexter. (Just please, no more Royals. Pleaaaase.)
& this drawing by my brother-in-law:
Shaking my head, your grl on base.