ALRIGHT! GUYS, IT’S SUNDAY MORNING & BASEBALL IS BEING PLAYED ON THE FINAL DAY OF THE FANTASY WEEK!
This week, I am up against the sole undefeated team in our league, the Culver CrackerJacks…
& I AM WINNING 7-3, which has to be a disappointment to the team’s manager- a careful & cunning man by the name of Crabtree.
Crabtree’s known interests include collecting vinyl, uneven trades in his favor, & fanciful facial hair- in other words, he’s a monster.
He is my Grendel
I am BAE-wulf.
I didn’t just become BAE-wulf overnight.
The first boy I ever liked used to chase me around chanting, ‘paper dolls & sushi!!’ Over & over again. …Those were my known interests, so he tried to annoy me by mocking me with them.
I retaliated by throwing things.
He threw things back.
Every day, at recess, we chased each other around, throwing weeds, pine cones, & various food items at each other.
It was exhausting &, ultimately, fruitless–
When he finally tried to kiss me following our 5th grade graduation, I ran away…
& I never saw him again. (We went to different schools the next year.)
My mistake, I realize now, was my inability to think more than one step at a time.
If I’d been able to apply strategy to my situation, I certainly could have destroyed this boy in both love & war.
I’ve come a long way since my days of chasing boys on the playground-
I mean, I still like paper dolls & sushi…
I’ve got game
& I love kicking *ss.
I may be new to the game of Fantasy baseball-
But, I’ve been playing boys for years…
If my 5th grade crush taught me anything, it’s that acts of love can often resemble acts of ‘war’ & vice versa.
This week, I tried to employ my proven strategy for getting a guy to my endeavor to destroy one in a Fantasy baseball match-up…
The harder you try to destroy your opponent,
the more you show just how much you care.
Let’s go through the steps.
Step 1- Look hot.
Applying it to Fantasy- I am a desirable opponent for Crabtree, one worth crushing… one who tied him the last time we were matched up… & I am the one who is now just hours away from spoiling his unBAEten record. (See what I did there?)
Step 2- Let him know it’s on.
In love, this can be as easy as meeting your BAE’s gaze at the right time.
In Fantasy- This means talking sh*t.
Step 3- Ignore him a little (while still clocking his every move) & flirt with other desirable guys.
…So what if Crabtree has Kershaw? I picked up Jose Ramirez.
(Did you know that you can put Ramirez in at 2B, 3B, SS, & OF? Now, that’s hot.)
WARNING: Men can be incredibly insecure, especially when they are losing. …Sometimes, they will lash out in desperation–
…Leading us to the next step-
Step 4- the ‘intentional walk.’
Now that it’s clear both parties are invested & eager to break the game open- it’s time for the intentional walk.
The intentional walk is all about recognizing the other player’s strengths, while playing to yours.
Say your date is a fantastic pool player-
‘Forget‘ how to play, walk him… & then destroy him.
…If pool’s not your game, pick the next game- one you’re really, really good at- & score big in the next inning.
(WARNING: Pool players love stealing second.)
I have no idea whether or not Crabtree is good pool player, but I do know that he thinks his pitching staff is the sh*t &, so far, he’s been a good streamer…
This week, his pitching faltered early & I saw my opening…
I got a quality start out of Sabathia on the same day that Crabtree made the mistake of starting James Shields, giving me an early lead in ERA & WHIP…
I chose to absorb risk early by deciding then to concede Ks, Ws, & possibly SVs.
Welcome to first base, Crabtree, because that’s as far as you’ll ever get.
…I used Bumgarner & tried & true RPs to improve my lead…
Then, I benched my entire pitching staff, forcing Crabtree to try & catch me…
& also, to take on all the risk that comes with trying to win those two categories…
while I just chilled.
Meanwhile, my offense was easily outperforming his in every category except SBs- which I took care of yesterday.
The score went from 6 – 4 to 7 – 3.
Step 5- Execute your game while constantly checking the stats-
How many dates has BAE suggested on their own? How close are they to scoring? (Maybe consider a pick off attempt.)
What categories are you winning? HRs, RBIs, SBs, AVG, OBP, ERA, & WHIP.
Are they the ones you thought you’d take? Well, not necessarily ERA & WHIP….
Are all of those leads sustainable? Hopefully.
I thoroughly analyzed every pitching match-up before filling in my lineup each day…
& my hard work paid off.
All the while-
I kept my eye on Crabtree’s ERA & WHIP to see if I might need to put in some RPs or start Strasburg. (Thank God I didn’t.)
& I’m still holding…
Which brings me to the last step,
Hope for the best
BAD *SS BAES.
Off to finish sanding that wall, your grl on base.