Fantasy, Foul Ball

The Slut Wars (Spoiler: I always win.)

Have you ever loved something so much that you stop being able to tell where it ends & you begin?

Baseball. AmIrite?

The season has barely begun & I am already consumed by the beautiful, fanged creature that is Fantasy.

With clawed feet, it pads up to me in the dead of night & shakes me awake, screaming things like-

I THINK YOU HAVE TO DROP CHRIS DAVIS.

&

WHY HAVEN’T YOU FILLED YOUR DL SPOTS?

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BUT IT’S NOT FANTASY’S FAULT!!

It’s mine, b/c Fantasy is an extension of me (& of all of us who really play.)

…It puts a face to the monkey on your back. Actually, it puts a whole roster of faces on the monkey.

How you read these faces is very important. They can be very revealing

Last week, for instance, they revealed to me that I f*cked up @ the draft

Which led me down a path of progressively more & more demeaning trade proposals-

Ultimately revealing that I am a terrible Fantasy slut, who can’t even give it away (basically) for free.

This is my story.

Prologue (An Uber Inauspicious Start)

In the foggy, tipsy post-draft haze- I distinctly remember having suppressed a sinking feeling as I tried to track down my Uber driver. Uber, then exhaustion, eventually consumed me… & just when I thought I was safe

 I woke up, still in my draft overalls, with a sense of doom.

The Fantasy monster was back.

Act 1 (The Syndergaard Chapter)

We open on-

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 The first day of Fantasy is like the first day of school & I knew I was going to run into my ex (Syndergaard) w/ my frenemy (The Palmballers.)

ALL I was hoping for was that maybe Noah wouldn’t look so damn good.

Instead, he went 6 scoreless innings against the Braves, complete w/ 7 Ks. 😥

I started Fantasy with regret & a points deficit.

I regretted playing hard to get & sleeping on Syndergaard @ the draft…

This regret was followed by quite a few more. Namely (in the order in which they were drafted by me)Anthony Rizzo, Nelson Cruz, Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, Alex Bregman, & Carlos Santana. (I guess I was just being a power-hungry champ, blinded by big names…)

Don’t get me wrong, these are all excellent players. It’s just that, in a shallow H2H league, that kind of power is not hard to come by…

Act 2 (Drinking & Trading)

Close-up on me-

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As mortals, we have to come to terms w/ the fact that we may never know the answers to some of life’s great questions, like-

Why did I draft 7 1B eligible players & only 3 closers, 1 of whom is currently serving a suspension?

Just as supply & demand can play a key part in strategy, drinking & bargaining can play a key part in healing a broken heart & an unbalanced team.

…Is what the drunk & desperate (me) think, so I sent out a group text-

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‘This is just to let you know that I have begun drinking & contemplating trades…’

The smart & sober (Crabtree) took advantage by sending an incredibly uneven trade proposal, as I knew he would.

I countered & we wound up agreeing on Jeurys Familia & Jose Ramirez (from my team, the ‘Staches) for Seung Hwan Oh & Javier Baez (from the Cracker Jacks.)

Sure, that’s still an uneven trade, but I was in it for having another available closer sooner rather than later (just as Crabtree was in it b/c Oh had been f*cking up & he was Oh-ver it 🙂 ) & for a multi-position-eligible-back-up SS.

Act 3 (The Fantasy Pharma Bro)

Cue foreboding music-

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Before I could regret my trade w/ Crabtree

It was vetoed.

Yes, it takes 2 to veto, but only 1 Pharma Bro (The K-Town Selfie King & Hoaxer)-FullSizeRender(9)

Diabolical.

I thought… & genius. Of course it had been the Hoaxers’ plan all along to control the market on RPs (& use them to control his pitching stats) & SBs (he also targeted base stealers who hit for AVG @ the draft.)

His goal is to build a winning machine that, w/ careful managing (or, rather, w/ careful benching,) ALWAYS takes SBs, FPCT, AVG, OBP, Ls, SVs, ERA, & WHIP.

I knew the joke was on us-

The Hoaxer had(s) us all in compromising positions & for what he knows we will all eventually need-

He wants nothing but the best for himself (& his beautiful machine.)

…The trade negotiations that followed can only be compared to when you’re trying to break things off w/ a f*ck buddy after a bad break-up & subsequent dry spell-

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You know it’s not a good look…

You say each time is the last time,

That you will not stoop any lower-

Yet, to each ‘You up?’ text, you find yourself responding…

Until you finally wind up offering Jeurys Familia & Christian Yelich for Alex Colome & Hector Neris.

That’s pretty slutty, so imagine my surprise when he rejected my offer & THEN SAID HE WANTED STARLING MARTE (my best/only shot at competing in SBs.) That’s just wrong.

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I had to end the madness & put down the phone.

Epilogue (The Karma DL)

Sometimes, after a difficult ordeal-

It’s just you & your monkey…

So, I took a long, hard look @ my roster, made some moves (including dropping Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, & Alex Bregman & picking up James Paxton, Cam Bedrosian, Odubel Herrera, & Elvis Andrus,) & I wound up winning my week 1 match-up against the Palmballers, 7 – 4.

As for my DL spots-

Shortly after sending this text (directed @ our league’s newbie, my match-up this week)-

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…I found myself putting Jackie Bradley Jr. & Buster Posey on the Karma DL-

Something someone else I know should be wary of, ’cause guess where he’s going when the time comes…

😉

Here I Go Again (On My Ooown,)

Your Grl On Base

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Breaking Now, Fantasy, State of the Union

You May Say I’m a Dreamer… But I’m Not the Only One: On Fantasy & The WBC

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What do Team USA & I have in common?

All we do is win.

The US has their first WBC title

&

I am in possession of my Fantasy league’s schmexy trophy jacket. 🙂

Yes,

I’m planning a parade

OF SELFIES-

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But then,

I did actually win this jacket &

It was not easy &

That’s the point.

Interestingly enough, the league-mate who has been coming for my jacket the hardest (by way of talk) is the Newbie

A Cards fan, who drafted Yadi.

Figures.

All I can say is-

The Cards‘ home opener is tomorrow &

They are playing the Cubs &

I have Bryant & Rizzo &

We are going to hit him where it hurts. ❤

Actually,
What hurts the most
Was being so close
& Watching Thor go away-

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Never knowing
What could have been
& That not sleeping on him
Is what I was tryin’ to do 😥

 I prepped for days, even made a binder w/ Syndergaard’s New Yorker cover on it…

Still

STILL.

…Losing my NUMBER ONE BASEBALL VALENTINE was definitely the worst part of the draft for me… To make matters worse, my week 1 matchup is against the Palmballers

That makes for a Terrible, Horrible, Noah Good Opening Day for the ‘Staches. 😥

But that’s the draft-

We all come thinking we have everything to gain…

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When really-

One person’s gain is everyone else’s pain

&

One person’s pain is everyone else’s gain

&

As you can see,

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We all packed a lot of both into one small karaoke studio in Little Tokyo.

But in the end-

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IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER…

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The reality is, we are a shallow league. We all have amazing teams.

I slept on Syndergaard, but I still got 4 of my Top 10′ (Archer, Marte, Bryant, & Machado.) Plus, I picked up Stroman… & got to watch him become WBC MVP after going 6 hitless for Team USA in the final game.

(I’m so glad I got to share that moment with Commissioner Crabtree & his ‘wave’ of solid pitching. 😉 )

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YesThe WAVE is back… The one chick in the league still digs the long ball (you can take the grl outta Camden…) The Palmballers had another quietly strong draft complete w/ some well-timed steals…

SOMEONE had to panic & pick an Athletic no one’s ever heard of & so Ryon Healy became a South Bay Baller in round 22. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Of course- I’ve saved the worst & best for last

Along with taking Yadi, our Resident Rookie (replacing LameFace McGillicuddy) also took J.D. Martinez, David Price, Ian Desmond, & Carlos Carrasco, ALL of whom are dealing w/ injuries-

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That’s the worst.

The best?

The best draft, I have to admit, went to the league Selfie King (a man w/ a fashion scarf is someone to fear.)

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Commitment clearly isn’t a problem here… &, while I flirted w/ stocking up on base stealers & quality RPs, K-Town actually scored.

So, let the ‘fuck-withery‘ begin!

B/c, in baseball,

Caring is competing-
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&
That is the real reason why my league & the WBC have meant so much to me.

“‘Baseball has an opportunity to heal the country, because of the political, ethnic and racial diversity in its locker room. No other sport has that…’

-Chuck Todd

I know winning isn’t winning without every other player-

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&

That’s why I’m as proud of being our league’s Lady Champ as I am of all of our beloved MLB players who played their hearts out for their countries of origin in the WBC.

I particularly love what Manny had to say about playing for the Dominican Republic (& what his Abuelo had to say about the importance of the bunt.)

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A Team Baller,

Your Grl On Base

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