Fantasy, Foul Ball

The Slut Wars (Spoiler: I always win.)

Have you ever loved something so much that you stop being able to tell where it ends & you begin?

Baseball. AmIrite?

The season has barely begun & I am already consumed by the beautiful, fanged creature that is Fantasy.

With clawed feet, it pads up to me in the dead of night & shakes me awake, screaming things like-

I THINK YOU HAVE TO DROP CHRIS DAVIS.

&

WHY HAVEN’T YOU FILLED YOUR DL SPOTS?

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BUT IT’S NOT FANTASY’S FAULT!!

It’s mine, b/c Fantasy is an extension of me (& of all of us who really play.)

…It puts a face to the monkey on your back. Actually, it puts a whole roster of faces on the monkey.

How you read these faces is very important. They can be very revealing

Last week, for instance, they revealed to me that I f*cked up @ the draft

Which led me down a path of progressively more & more demeaning trade proposals-

Ultimately revealing that I am a terrible Fantasy slut, who can’t even give it away (basically) for free.

This is my story.

Prologue (An Uber Inauspicious Start)

In the foggy, tipsy post-draft haze- I distinctly remember having suppressed a sinking feeling as I tried to track down my Uber driver. Uber, then exhaustion, eventually consumed me… & just when I thought I was safe

 I woke up, still in my draft overalls, with a sense of doom.

The Fantasy monster was back.

Act 1 (The Syndergaard Chapter)

We open on-

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 The first day of Fantasy is like the first day of school & I knew I was going to run into my ex (Syndergaard) w/ my frenemy (The Palmballers.)

ALL I was hoping for was that maybe Noah wouldn’t look so damn good.

Instead, he went 6 scoreless innings against the Braves, complete w/ 7 Ks. 😥

I started Fantasy with regret & a points deficit.

I regretted playing hard to get & sleeping on Syndergaard @ the draft…

This regret was followed by quite a few more. Namely (in the order in which they were drafted by me)Anthony Rizzo, Nelson Cruz, Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, Alex Bregman, & Carlos Santana. (I guess I was just being a power-hungry champ, blinded by big names…)

Don’t get me wrong, these are all excellent players. It’s just that, in a shallow H2H league, that kind of power is not hard to come by…

Act 2 (Drinking & Trading)

Close-up on me-

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As mortals, we have to come to terms w/ the fact that we may never know the answers to some of life’s great questions, like-

Why did I draft 7 1B eligible players & only 3 closers, 1 of whom is currently serving a suspension?

Just as supply & demand can play a key part in strategy, drinking & bargaining can play a key part in healing a broken heart & an unbalanced team.

…Is what the drunk & desperate (me) think, so I sent out a group text-

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‘This is just to let you know that I have begun drinking & contemplating trades…’

The smart & sober (Crabtree) took advantage by sending an incredibly uneven trade proposal, as I knew he would.

I countered & we wound up agreeing on Jeurys Familia & Jose Ramirez (from my team, the ‘Staches) for Seung Hwan Oh & Javier Baez (from the Cracker Jacks.)

Sure, that’s still an uneven trade, but I was in it for having another available closer sooner rather than later (just as Crabtree was in it b/c Oh had been f*cking up & he was Oh-ver it 🙂 ) & for a multi-position-eligible-back-up SS.

Act 3 (The Fantasy Pharma Bro)

Cue foreboding music-

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Before I could regret my trade w/ Crabtree

It was vetoed.

Yes, it takes 2 to veto, but only 1 Pharma Bro (The K-Town Selfie King & Hoaxer)-FullSizeRender(9)

Diabolical.

I thought… & genius. Of course it had been the Hoaxers’ plan all along to control the market on RPs (& use them to control his pitching stats) & SBs (he also targeted base stealers who hit for AVG @ the draft.)

His goal is to build a winning machine that, w/ careful managing (or, rather, w/ careful benching,) ALWAYS takes SBs, FPCT, AVG, OBP, Ls, SVs, ERA, & WHIP.

I knew the joke was on us-

The Hoaxer had(s) us all in compromising positions & for what he knows we will all eventually need-

He wants nothing but the best for himself (& his beautiful machine.)

…The trade negotiations that followed can only be compared to when you’re trying to break things off w/ a f*ck buddy after a bad break-up & subsequent dry spell-

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You know it’s not a good look…

You say each time is the last time,

That you will not stoop any lower-

Yet, to each ‘You up?’ text, you find yourself responding…

Until you finally wind up offering Jeurys Familia & Christian Yelich for Alex Colome & Hector Neris.

That’s pretty slutty, so imagine my surprise when he rejected my offer & THEN SAID HE WANTED STARLING MARTE (my best/only shot at competing in SBs.) That’s just wrong.

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I had to end the madness & put down the phone.

Epilogue (The Karma DL)

Sometimes, after a difficult ordeal-

It’s just you & your monkey…

So, I took a long, hard look @ my roster, made some moves (including dropping Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, & Alex Bregman & picking up James Paxton, Cam Bedrosian, Odubel Herrera, & Elvis Andrus,) & I wound up winning my week 1 match-up against the Palmballers, 7 – 4.

As for my DL spots-

Shortly after sending this text (directed @ our league’s newbie, my match-up this week)-

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…I found myself putting Jackie Bradley Jr. & Buster Posey on the Karma DL-

Something someone else I know should be wary of, ’cause guess where he’s going when the time comes…

😉

Here I Go Again (On My Ooown,)

Your Grl On Base

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Foul Ball, Playing Defense

#Feminism = The Belief In Basic Human Decency …& Tacos

Yesterday, on International Women’s Day, I wore red to work, but I was still avoiding my old-new-favorite lunch place b/c of a dude who works there-

A dude, who’d asked me out while proudly rocking a cold sore & said, ‘I don’t care,’ when I told him I’m married.

A dude who knows I work across the street & run on tacos.

A dude, who’d always been a little inappropriate

Y’know,

A dude, who I’d always thought was ‘just being a dude.’

:/

See,

#Manspreading has been around for a very long time-

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&

It isn’t just limited to public transportation & Conor McGregor

It’s the state of believing that, as a man, you have the right to more & to be more comfortable.

It is about wanting to have the most space (& power)-

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The first time I noticed it was in school, where I found myself perpetually sandwiched between the dirty sneakers of #manspreadersintraining sitting behind me & the greasy hair of ones seated in front of me.

…That was well before there was a term for #manspreading & before anyone had explained to me that #feminists are just full of,

Y’know,

WANTING WOMEN TO BE TREATED WITH BASIC HUMAN DECENCY-

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#Feminism is important to me b/c, growing-up, whenever I had experiences where I wasn’t treated w/ basic human decency by men, I’d just think-

‘Well, that sucked, but that’s life.’

Now, I know it was/is just,

Y’know,

#Sexism-

Which is a name for something I/WE can fight.

Tomorrow, I’m grabbing back my tacos
&
I encourage all women everywhere to do the same.

#TakeBackYourSpace

…Here’s a helpful ‘how-to’ video from last night’s Survivor premiere,

Courtesy of Sandra Diaz-Twine aka #THEQUEEN

SHE WAS EVEN WEARING RED.

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Well-played, Sandra.

TY for the reminder that to stay #THEQUEEN, you must always move like #THEQUEEN.

Taco Queen,

Your Grl On Base

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Breaking Now, Foul Ball, Playing Defense

This One’s For My GRLz- In Defense of Hillary Clinton & Taylor Swift

We live in a crazy world.

Donald Trump is running for President

Against

HILLARY CLINTON.

It’s not a trick question.

It’s a n0-brainer.

(O, the irony!)

What part of this is hard?

…Is it harder than NOT calling a woman a b*tch?

Apparently so

&

That makes me sad, ya’ll,

B/c it’s clear to me that

What’s hard is sexism.

😦

What’s hard is this argument I keep running into online-

‘She thinks she’s better than everyone else.’

I’ve seen it written, repeatedly, about both Hillary Clinton & Taylor Swift

&

I find it very troubling

(Aside from the fact that, yea, they ARE)

Esp. when I look at who they find themselves up against-

Donald Trump & Kanye West.

Am I missing something?! Are these men known for their HUMILITY?!

NO!

They are misogynist egomaniacs & publicity addicts.

Would you EVER hear Taylor Swift OR Hillary Clinton say that they think they’re better than everyone else?!

NO!

They are two accomplished women, who both continue to be successful amidst harsh criticism while also maintaining a constant state of DIGNITY.

I think it’s actually their uncompromising DIGNITY that’s hard for people…

&

It’s probably harder for those who are deeply insecure…

&

Those who are scared of strong women…

&

Those who might hide behind their own special brand of blinding narcissism…

What’s actually at the heart of Kimye‘s beef stew w/ TayTay is the fact that-

Kanye West did not make Taylor Swift famous!

Taylor made Kanye infamous

W/out even trying

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&

He has never forgiven her.

:/

Me?

 I cannot forgive Kanye for Famous

B/c

REGARDLESS of how much Taylor knew about the lyrics-

Why would he call this lovely, accomplished young woman, who has had the grace & dignity to publicly forgive HIM,

A B*TCH?!

B/c felt he threatened

&

Upset by the fact that she has more of what he values most-

Fame.

Taylor’s Fame has thus far been a special kind,

Bathed in golden light-

A kind that takes work to achieve.

Taylor did the work.

We all watched as she did it

&

Grew up in the process.

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We watched as she somehow thrived in an industry that is not known to respect women

&

Managed to survive w/out a blemish on her reputation-

Taylor Swift is a real-life female role-model,

Who Kanye is seeking to

Destroy

&

Rob

(Of what she has earned through a lifetime of hard work.)

He’s already tried it once,

Thoughtlessly & drunkenly,

But this time-

He did it more thoughtfully,

W/ the help of an enabler-

Kim Kardashian West

(Just the name makes me shudder.)

Let’s face it-

Kimye set a trap.

Remember the Benghazi hearing?

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Now, the Republicans weren’t able to catch Hillary w/ the hearing,

But they’re not letting go of those emails…

Just sayin’.

What it really comes down to w/ both women is-

They got caught protecting themselves at all costs

&

That’s not ‘lady-like,’

But what is & isn’t ‘lady-like’ is the battle that’s being fought

&

The struggle is real.

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Look at the other side-

Do Kanye West & Donald Trump play fair themselves?

&

Do we, as women, want to be represented by Kim Kardashian & Melania Trump,

The leading ladies of Kanye West & Donald Trump?!

Or

Do we want to be represented by empowered women who are actual leaders?

Go on,

Tell me again how you’re ‘tired’ of Hillary & Taylor

&

I will show you two women who work harder for good on a near daily basis than many people do in a lifetime.

200

That is all.

I’m w/ them,

Forever

&

Always,

Your grl on base.

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Breaking Now, Fantasy, Foul Ball

Behaving Badly – No Biggie?

*Please note that this post was written yesterday (Sunday, the 15th) as I was watching my Fantasy opponent make a Royals (circa 2014-2015) style comeback on me. Also, the Rangers/Blue Jays brawl (which I’ll get to) happened while I was writing this. …What a crazy f*ckin’ day.

So yeah-

MY GOD, it’s been awhile since my last post &, you might’ve guessed it, Fantasy’s to blame…

I’ve reached the point where I need someone to check me into Fantasy rehab (& it’s only week 6!) but I’d also never be able to speak to that person again… & I’m finally at a place in my life where I like everyone I know. :/

Oh well, it’s my problem, & I’ll deal with it, right after I check on today’s games…


F*ck. Why’d I stream Devenski??? Damn rookie pitchers… They’re like virgins, you have to wait for them to get really good &, in Fantasy, where time crawls, ain’t nobody got time for that sh*t. At least, I don’t. Been there. Done that. Over it. Totally dropping Devenski, dropping him so hard, just like I dropped Berrios.


…Yes, I’m a monster, but this is sports, so, as Aroldis Chapman and Jon Jones can tell you, a little monstrosity is no biggie (as long as you keep playing the game well.)

That’s right, Aroldis Chapman is back from his 30 game suspension & he is throwing heat with the same powerful hands that got him suspended (‘according to a police report, he placed his hands around his girlfriend’s neck during an argument and fired a gun eight times.’)

‘Chapman’s case was one of three investigated by MLB this offseason as part of the new domestic violence policy. The others involved Jose Reyes of the Colorado Rockies and Yasiel Puig of the Los Angeles Dodgers.’

Reyes, it turns out, will also be suspended.

Frankly, it’s about damn time the MLB started cracking down on domestic violence… but are they going far enough?

I mean-

Chapman was an original draft pick in my 6 person Fantasy league, even with the suspension, because when it comes down to it, in baseball, a 30 game suspension is no biggie…

Meanwhile, my bestie (now to be referred to as my bestie again & not as ‘LameFace McGillicuddy’) was forced to drop Dee Gordon, who was suspended 80 games for using PEDs, from his Fantasy roster. It’s a tough loss for him (&, I suppose, for the Marlins as well.) 😛

My point is-

Shouldn’t Chapman have been suspended at least as many games as Gordon for scaring his girlfriend so bad that she ‘hid in the bushes outside his home while she phoned police dispatchers for help.What an *sshole, right?

…So, why aren’t people judging him the way they’re judging Dee Gordon?

Probably because most people don’t know what ‘domestic violence’ actually means.

What I mean by that is-

When I asked some fantasy baseballers I know if they knew exactly what Chapman did to get suspended, none of them knew. All they knew was that he’d been suspended for ‘domestic violence’ & now he’s back & throwing fast fastballs. (Well yeah, the dude is strong…)

I can only assume that if he’d been given a longer suspension, more people would know the details of what he did-

& that matters.

(Say what you want about Dee, but at least he risked his own life.)

…So, as long as we’re on the subject of *ssholes, let’s talk about someone who I’ve become more & more convinced is an *sshole-

Jon Bones Jones.

In 2015, Jones ‘pleaded guilty to a charge stemming from a hit-and-run crash in April that injured a pregnant woman.’ (He served no jail time for the hit-and-run.)

Before that, ‘he was involved in four previous documented incidents, ranging from driving with a suspended license to running his car into a utility pole.’

…The part where he was stripped of his UFC title?

No biggie-

He’s fighting to reclaim it AT UFC 200 IN THE MAIN EVENT SPOT.

What I find troubling is that, according to Jones, he never actually lost the title or the belt:

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While it’s true that Cormier didn’t beat him for the belt in the octagon…

Cormier also never tested positive for cocaine or fled the scene of a hit-and-run.

I was rooting for Jones when he defended his title against Cormier at UFC 182, but I’ll be rooting for Cormier at UFC 200, because

I believe Jon Jones deserves to feel like a loser

&

If Cormier could give him the gift of his first real loss in the octagon, that would be a biggie-

A biggie, like Conor McGregor NOT fighting in UFC 200 (Jon Jones got his spot after Conor failed/refused to meet his press obligations.)

Basically, Conor’s saying he’s a big enough star that he’s literally earned ($$$) the right to dictate his own terms for fighting- but the UFC said, nope.

Conor has built his UFC career on being confrontational & ostentatious…& winning (till recently.) So, it makes sense that he’d take on Dana White with the same cocksure-ity he’s employed against his opponents in the octagon…

But you can’t knock out Dana White… or win by decision when your opponent is the decider.

So, what was/is Conor thinking?

 Who knows? It’s possible that Conor may well be a little too intoxicated with his own McGregor, but this fight with Dana White does raise a good question:

With the UFC more popular than ever & no UFC union, what are the limits of the UFC’s powers’ ?

Here’s another one-

Is Bryce Harper MLB’s Conor McGregor?

Yup. They’re quite a pair of shrinking violets, aren’t they?

But-

Love them or hate them, swagger is good for business… & they’ve got it in spades.

&, really-

How can you *not* want to ‘make baseball fun again?’

Sometimes, however, a fun little bat flip

Leads to-

(Read more about the Rangers/Blue Jays brawl here.)

When it comes to the Rangers vs. the Blue Jays, I think the Rangers might be the *ssholes…

…which isn’t to say Rougned Odor doesn’t have a mean right hook. He does…

But he’s probably going to be suspended for a balls’ age

 (&, of course, I have him in Fantasy.)

Maybe, there’s a place for him in the UFC?

(…Too soon?)

Trying to stay out of trouble till next time, your grl on base.

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Foul Ball

Deadpool = Royally Bad

Welp, I’m just going to say it-

 I would rather see the Royals in the 2016 playoffs than see Deadpool again.

…I knew from the opening credits, the way you know when your team is playing the Royals in a post-season game, that it was going to be a sh*t show-

I did NOT know it was going to be a seemingly un-ending, incredibly sexist, subtly racist barrage of torture porn and violence.

In fact, unlike most Royals games, I was looking forward to seeing Deadpool. It was my husband, a weary Hollywood screenwriter, who was dragging his feet on going (anything scripted gives him work agita.)

Then, his brother came to stay with us for the weekend and we were both like-

‘OMG, LETZ GO SEE DEADPOOL!

So, on a Sunday that started like a Wes Anderson movie (twins playing guitars,) we made our way to see DEADPOOL! and it went a little something like this-

The horror

I watched as it got more and more f*cked up.

It must have f*cked me up, because for days afterwards I couldn’t stop coming up with new ways to describe how awful it was. It consumed me. Finally, I hit rock bottom and created this-

We'll Never Be Royaaals

Contributers: Caravaggio, John Rieger & Thomas Shea @ USA TODAY Sports, Sluggerrr… & myself (for doing the cutting and pasting!)

 …It’s essentially a postmodern breakdown of game 2 of the 2015 ALDS.

‘We Will Never Be Royaaalsis the current working title, but I’m open to other suggestions.

The point is-

What I’ve made is ridiculous. It’s gratuitous and irreverent and just because it’s sorta funny doesn’t mean it has any right existing-

That is exactly how I felt about Deadpool.

I felt like it crossed too many lines while proving nothing-

Given how f*cked up the non-fiction world is right now, surely Hollywood can give us better than that?

This is actually happening in the world.

So, why do we need to have a leading man, in a superhero movie kids can’t help but want to see, graphically tortured to the point of disfiguration?

Many people go to the movies for a fun distraction. What if you were dealing with a cancer diagnosis? Recovering from a burn wound? What if you’re a survivor of domestic abuse? …That’s seriousperiod. Those lines between Deadpool and Vanessa that make light of being abused are not funnyperiod. :/

(By the way- People will laugh at a video of a person running into a pole over and over again. Does that make it a great film? What if the person running into the pole intermittently addresses the viewer and cracks a joke or two? Hmm?)

But, let’s move on-

to SEXISM!

I mean, I am a GRL first and I would not encourage other GRLS to see this movie.

Deadpool’s GRL problem is clearly depicted in the scene where Vanessa straps it on and whispers in Deadpool’s ear, ‘Happy International Woman’s Day.’

To me, that scene isn’t about Deadpool’s supposed bisexuality (if it is, it’s poorly done.) It’s about a fundamental misunderstanding of feminism-

Feminism isn’t about fucking over men. It’s not about dominance.

…It’s not even about ‘rejecting the overall roles that men and women play in our society—the notion that there should be any differences between the sexes whatever other than the physiological ones.

It’s about equality and choice.

…It’s not about wishing that all baseball analysts be women, but understanding the importance of women like Jessica Mendoza.

…It’s about being outraged by what happened to Erin Andrews and others before her. (If they were male, I’d be just as outraged, but they aren’t are they?)

…It’s about not making the female lead a helpless damsel-in-distress, whose fate is left in the hands of two giant a-holes

Seriously, Deadpool’s leaving was a d*ck move (also a stupid one)-

So, why doesn’t Vanessa move on to a new, better relationship? (One where her partner stays with her through the good and the bad.)

I’ll tell you why-

It’s because this movie also has an insidious slut-shaming problem that goes hand in hand with its sexism.

Case-in-point(s)-

-Vanessa is a sex worker when she & Deadpool meet, yet- you never see her with another guy (or girl.) Ever. (I guess she quit after she and Deadpool started dating.)

When Deadpool comes back after leaving her in the middle of the goddamn night… she’s single and working hard… at a strip club… as wait for ita cocktail waitressnot as a stripper- implying that if she was, she wouldn’t be good enough to be ‘Deadpool’s Girlfriend.’

But, the real question is-
Why can’t she be the running place? #GIRLBOSS

…To those of you who point to her coming to Deadpool’s aid in the final battle as evidence of her empowerment, I ask-

Why, because she saved her sarcastic d*ck of an ex after he left her and then came back only to get her kidnapped by the world’s most sadistic –and ridiculous- Brit?

Let’s just say, I’m not convinced.

I also had a problem with seeing Colossus –a giant man- repeatedly hitting Angel Dust.

Yes, Gina Carano is a badass, but- with all the domestic violence issues in pro sports today- do we really have to go there like that?

…Speaking of going there Karan Soni, the American-born actor who plays Dopinder (the cab driver with a heavy Indian accent,) actually speaks like this.

Casually breezing by the fact that Deadpool refuses to pay him and encourages him to kidnap his crush…

Isn’t that what Aziz Ansari is talking about here?

Why couldn’t Karan Soni use his normal speaking voice for that role?

This is 2016 not 1961.

To those of you still insisting-

‘But, that’s how it’s written in the comic books!’

Maybe, I’m saying I have a problem with how it’s written.

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‘What’s that? You like comic books?! I’m sorry, we can’t be friends- I only speak baseball.’

(That’s okay,

I’m not a comic book nerd-

Clearly, I mean, I am a GRL

& no GRLs like comic books, just like no GRLs like baseball… Right?)

…Look, I can’t stop Deadpool from doing really well or the Royals from making it to the playoffs again, but-

I can choose to believe that we’re better than that and that, unlike Deadpool, people shouldn’t be cynical to a fault. …I mean, I’m an O’s fan, but even I’m sorta pullin’ for the Cubs this year. Yeah, even after that #partyFowler with Dexter. (Just please, no more Royals. Pleaaaase.)

I leave you with this excellent review of Deadpool

& this drawing by my brother-in-law:

MyGod

Shaking my head, your grl on base.

 

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