Breaking Now, Fantasy

Your Top 10 Baseball Valentines

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Screenshot from ESPN’s ’30 for 30: Silly Little Game’

Ah, February 14th, Valentine’s Day

But, more importantly, it’s the beginning of Spring Training!!!

If you’re like me, you’ve had enough teasing from MLB.com’s FB Feed & you’re ready to get down to it.

A long Fantasy dry spell can leave a grl a lil thirsty

So, to celebrate the return of Baseball & Fantasy, I’ve created a top 10 list of Red Hot Baseball Valentines for all my Bad *ss Fantasy Baes out there.

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The players listed below are not just certifiable hotties

  They also (in my humble opinion) have a H2H Fantasy Ranking above 100 (w/ One #BigSexy Exception, b/c, c’mon how could I not include Bartolo?)

Take a good look, ladies, b/c these hot studs are packin’ even hotter stats & will be going fast in your upcoming drafts.
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Photo: @Mets (1 Mar 2016)

# 10Bartolo Colon – Ok, let’s face it- Bartolo may be going to the Braves, but he’s not going anywhere fast (in Fantasy or reality.) Still, it’s #BigSexy! He’s a huggable hurler w/ plenty of love to go around-

Report: Colon Being Sued For Child Support By Woman Who’s Not His Wife

Rosanna Colon confirmed to the Post that she has known about her husband’s second family for some time but would not elaborate.’

You can’t be the possessive type with #BigSexy.

You have to appreciate him for who he is-

A larger-than-life streamer who probably won’t blow up your ERA.

Tampa Bay Rays v New York Yankees

Photo: Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

#9Chris Archer – He may be a little emotional on the mound, but if you’re looking for sensitivity & strike outs galore, look no further than Archer.

Charismatic & passionate about community service, Chris is def. bae-material-

Just don’t be late & always respond to his tweets.

I know, I know-

He didn’t have the best 2016. (Who did?)

Taking Archer requires faith, but I believe he is more than deserving.

# 8Jake Arrieta A pitcher worth a thousand words

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Photo: Marcus Eriksson/ESPN

…Next! 😉

# 7Xander Bogaerts – Quick! Who’s your shortstop? Seager (on deck,) Lindor, or Correa? You wouldn’t bae alone. Those are the guys topping MLB Network’s ‘Top 10 Shortstops Right Now’ list. (So you know they’ll be drafted fast.)

Who else can a grl trust to have her back?

Bogaerts.

Boston Red Sox Photo Day

Photo: Elsa/Getty Images

The X-Man is the guy you know about, but didn’t know you needed.

In 2016

Xander had a better average (& hit 1 more home run) than Correa, got 11 more RBIs than Lindor, & stole 13 bases to Seager’s 3.

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R.B.I. Baseball 17 Promo

# 6Cory Seager -> Cougars meet Cory, 2016 NL Rookie of the Year. He’s just 22, but has no problem connecting (193 hits in 2016.)

He’s so Seager to please-

Everyone wants to play w/ him.

That’s why he’s R.B.I. Baseball 17’s cover athlete.

If you like shiny new things, seek out Seager in sunny LA.

Your ex is gonna be soooo jealous.

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Photo: MLB.com

# 5Starling Marte – A good man may be hard to find, but finding stolen bases can be even harder

That’s why it’s worth snagging Marte before he’s gone.

In 2016, he stole 47 bases & my ❤ –

Starling isn’t just good for SBs

‘He has blossomed into a true five-tool player, just as capable of changing a game in left field or on the bases as he is at the plate.’

My advice: Run w/ him & don’t look back.

# 4Kris Bryant – If you’re the kinda grl that likes to roll w/ the most popular jock on the block, bet on Bryant.

Not likely to be lacking in confidence, he’s coming off an epic World Series win w/ the Cubs & a sizzling Express ad campaign

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2016 Express Fall/Winter Campaign

Those baby blues are waiting to take you home.

(RBIs & HRs for days, ladies.)

# 3 –  Clayton Kershaw – Like a Golden Retriever, Kersherz is shaggy-haired, blonde, & reliable.

Able to recognize a good thing when he has it, Clayton isn’t going to let you run away.

Case in point-

He married his high school sweetheart & he’s got a killer ERA.

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Photo: Elsa/Getty Images

You’re never going to have to worry about Kershaw.

He’s just that good

…until the postseason…

Bae-ware

The Kersh is not good under pressure.

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Photo: MLB.com

#2Manny Machado – For those of you who have been scrolling down this list waiting for someone to really get your engine going, this jug-eared hothead is the Manny for you.

He isn’t f*cking messing around-

Machado is prepared to smash anything & anyone that comes at him.

Forget getting your name tattooed on his arm, Manny will get your whole damn face

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The human equivalent of a hot rod, this guy isn’t slowing down anytime soon.

# 1Noah Syndergaard

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Photo: Elsa/Getty Images

Nicknamed Thor, after the hammer wielding Norse god, you Noah that Syndergaard knows how to make an impression-

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Like Manny, he’s got 0 f*cks to give-

Syndergaard is slumping,’ they said last August.

‘Could be the bone spur in his pitching elbow.’

…Um, did you see the NL Wild Card Game last year?

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That’s what happens when you test a god.

(Alas, even gods need run support.)

Don’t be basic w/ Syndergaard

Just be happy to have witnessed next level hotness.

🙂

Well, there you have it-

10 Damn Fine Ballers.

…I think OG Fantasy Bae, Valerie Salembier, would be proud.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Your Grl On Base.

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Breaking Now, Fantasy

BAE-WULF: A Bad *ss BAE’s Guide to Victory

ALRIGHT! GUYS, IT’S SUNDAY MORNING & BASEBALL IS BEING PLAYED ON THE FINAL DAY OF THE FANTASY WEEK!

This week, I am up against the sole undefeated team in our league, the Culver CrackerJacks

& I AM WINNING 7-3, which has to be a disappointment to the team’s manager- a careful & cunning man by the name of Crabtree.

Crabtree’s known interests include collecting vinyl, uneven trades in his favor, & fanciful facial hair- in other words, he’s a monster.

He is my Grendel

&

I am BAE-wulf.

😉

But-

I didn’t just become BAE-wulf overnight.

See-

The first boy I ever liked used to chase me around chanting, ‘paper dolls & sushi!!’ Over & over again. …Those were my known interests, so he tried to annoy me by mocking me with them.

It worked-

I retaliated by throwing things.

He threw things back.

Every day, at recess, we chased each other around, throwing weeds, pine cones, & various food items at each other.

It was exhausting &, ultimately, fruitless

When he finally tried to kiss me following our 5th grade graduation, I ran away…

& I never saw him again. (We went to different schools the next year.)

My mistake, I realize now, was my inability to think more than one step at a time.

If I’d been able to apply strategy to my situation, I certainly could have destroyed this boy in both love & war.

 …

I’ve come a long way since my days of chasing boys on the playground-

I mean, I still like paper dolls & sushi…

But, now,

I’ve got game

& I love kicking *ss.

I may be new to the game of Fantasy baseball-

But, I’ve been playing boys for years…

If my 5th grade crush taught me anything, it’s that acts of love can often resemble acts of ‘war’ & vice versa.

This week, I tried to employ my proven strategy for getting a guy to my endeavor to destroy one in a Fantasy baseball match-up

After all-

The harder you try to destroy your opponent,

the more you show just how much you care.

😉 ❤

Let’s go through the steps.

Step 1- Look hot.

Applying it to Fantasy- I am a desirable opponent for Crabtree, one worth crushing… one who tied him the last time we were matched up… & I am the one who is now just hours away from spoiling his unBAEten record. (See what I did there?)

Step 2- Let him know it’s on.

In love, this can be as easy as meeting your BAE’s gaze at the right time.

In Fantasy- This means talking sh*t.

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Step 3- Ignore him a little (while still clocking his every move) & flirt with other desirable guys.

…So what if Crabtree has Kershaw? I picked up Jose Ramirez.

(Did you know that you can put Ramirez in at 2B, 3B, SS, & OF? Now, that’s hot.)

WARNING: Men can be incredibly insecure, especially when they are losing. …Sometimes, they will lash out in desperation

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…Leading us to the next step-

Step 4- the ‘intentional walk.’

Now that it’s clear both parties are invested & eager to break the game open- it’s time for the intentional walk.

The intentional walk is all about recognizing the other player’s strengths, while playing to yours.

Say your date is a fantastic pool player-

‘Forget‘ how to play, walk him… & then destroy him.

…If pool’s not your game, pick the next game- one you’re really, really good at- & score big in the next inning.

(WARNING: Pool players love stealing second.)

I have no idea whether or not Crabtree is good pool player, but I do know that he thinks his pitching staff is the sh*t &, so far, he’s been a good streamer…

But!

This week, his pitching faltered early & I saw my opening…

See-

I got a quality start out of Sabathia on the same day that Crabtree made the mistake of starting James Shields, giving me an early lead in ERA & WHIP…

I chose to absorb risk early by deciding then to concede Ks, Ws, & possibly SVs.

Welcome to first base, Crabtree, because that’s as far as you’ll ever get.

…I used Bumgarner & tried & true RPs to improve my lead…

Then, I benched my entire pitching staff, forcing Crabtree to try & catch me…

& also, to take on all the risk that comes with trying to win those two categories…

while I just chilled.

🙂

Meanwhile, my offense was easily outperforming his in every category except SBs- which I took care of yesterday.

The score went from 6 – 4 to 7 – 3.

Step 5- Execute your game while constantly checking the stats-

How many dates has BAE suggested on their own? How close are they to scoring? (Maybe consider a pick off attempt.)

Alternately

What categories are you winning? HRs, RBIs, SBs, AVG, OBP, ERA, & WHIP.

Are they the ones you thought you’d take? Well, not necessarily ERA & WHIP….

Are all of those leads sustainable? Hopefully.

This week-

I thoroughly analyzed every pitching match-up before filling in my lineup each day…

& my hard work paid off.

All the while-

I kept my eye on Crabtree’s ERA & WHIP to see if I might need to put in some RPs or start Strasburg. (Thank God I didn’t.)

& I’m still holding…

Which brings me to the last step,

Step 6-

Hope for the best

&

Keep representin’

BAD *SS BAES.

Off to finish sanding that wall, your grl on base.

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