Fantasy, Foul Ball

The Slut Wars (Spoiler: I always win.)

Have you ever loved something so much that you stop being able to tell where it ends & you begin?

Baseball. AmIrite?

The season has barely begun & I am already consumed by the beautiful, fanged creature that is Fantasy.

With clawed feet, it pads up to me in the dead of night & shakes me awake, screaming things like-






It’s mine, b/c Fantasy is an extension of me (& of all of us who really play.)

…It puts a face to the monkey on your back. Actually, it puts a whole roster of faces on the monkey.

How you read these faces is very important. They can be very revealing

Last week, for instance, they revealed to me that I f*cked up @ the draft

Which led me down a path of progressively more & more demeaning trade proposals-

Ultimately revealing that I am a terrible Fantasy slut, who can’t even give it away (basically) for free.

This is my story.

Prologue (An Uber Inauspicious Start)

In the foggy, tipsy post-draft haze- I distinctly remember having suppressed a sinking feeling as I tried to track down my Uber driver. Uber, then exhaustion, eventually consumed me… & just when I thought I was safe

 I woke up, still in my draft overalls, with a sense of doom.

The Fantasy monster was back.

Act 1 (The Syndergaard Chapter)

We open on-


 The first day of Fantasy is like the first day of school & I knew I was going to run into my ex (Syndergaard) w/ my frenemy (The Palmballers.)

ALL I was hoping for was that maybe Noah wouldn’t look so damn good.

Instead, he went 6 scoreless innings against the Braves, complete w/ 7 Ks. 😥

I started Fantasy with regret & a points deficit.

I regretted playing hard to get & sleeping on Syndergaard @ the draft…

This regret was followed by quite a few more. Namely (in the order in which they were drafted by me)Anthony Rizzo, Nelson Cruz, Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, Alex Bregman, & Carlos Santana. (I guess I was just being a power-hungry champ, blinded by big names…)

Don’t get me wrong, these are all excellent players. It’s just that, in a shallow H2H league, that kind of power is not hard to come by…

Act 2 (Drinking & Trading)

Close-up on me-


As mortals, we have to come to terms w/ the fact that we may never know the answers to some of life’s great questions, like-

Why did I draft 7 1B eligible players & only 3 closers, 1 of whom is currently serving a suspension?

Just as supply & demand can play a key part in strategy, drinking & bargaining can play a key part in healing a broken heart & an unbalanced team.

…Is what the drunk & desperate (me) think, so I sent out a group text-


‘This is just to let you know that I have begun drinking & contemplating trades…’

The smart & sober (Crabtree) took advantage by sending an incredibly uneven trade proposal, as I knew he would.

I countered & we wound up agreeing on Jeurys Familia & Jose Ramirez (from my team, the ‘Staches) for Seung Hwan Oh & Javier Baez (from the Cracker Jacks.)

Sure, that’s still an uneven trade, but I was in it for having another available closer sooner rather than later (just as Crabtree was in it b/c Oh had been f*cking up & he was Oh-ver it 🙂 ) & for a multi-position-eligible-back-up SS.

Act 3 (The Fantasy Pharma Bro)

Cue foreboding music-


Before I could regret my trade w/ Crabtree

It was vetoed.

Yes, it takes 2 to veto, but only 1 Pharma Bro (The K-Town Selfie King & Hoaxer)-FullSizeRender(9)


I thought… & genius. Of course it had been the Hoaxers’ plan all along to control the market on RPs (& use them to control his pitching stats) & SBs (he also targeted base stealers who hit for AVG @ the draft.)

His goal is to build a winning machine that, w/ careful managing (or, rather, w/ careful benching,) ALWAYS takes SBs, FPCT, AVG, OBP, Ls, SVs, ERA, & WHIP.

I knew the joke was on us-

The Hoaxer had(s) us all in compromising positions & for what he knows we will all eventually need-

He wants nothing but the best for himself (& his beautiful machine.)

…The trade negotiations that followed can only be compared to when you’re trying to break things off w/ a f*ck buddy after a bad break-up & subsequent dry spell-


You know it’s not a good look…

You say each time is the last time,

That you will not stoop any lower-

Yet, to each ‘You up?’ text, you find yourself responding…

Until you finally wind up offering Jeurys Familia & Christian Yelich for Alex Colome & Hector Neris.

That’s pretty slutty, so imagine my surprise when he rejected my offer & THEN SAID HE WANTED STARLING MARTE (my best/only shot at competing in SBs.) That’s just wrong.


I had to end the madness & put down the phone.

Epilogue (The Karma DL)

Sometimes, after a difficult ordeal-

It’s just you & your monkey…

So, I took a long, hard look @ my roster, made some moves (including dropping Hanley Ramirez, DJ LeMahieu, Chris Davis, & Alex Bregman & picking up James Paxton, Cam Bedrosian, Odubel Herrera, & Elvis Andrus,) & I wound up winning my week 1 match-up against the Palmballers, 7 – 4.

As for my DL spots-

Shortly after sending this text (directed @ our league’s newbie, my match-up this week)-



…I found myself putting Jackie Bradley Jr. & Buster Posey on the Karma DL-

Something someone else I know should be wary of, ’cause guess where he’s going when the time comes…


Here I Go Again (On My Ooown,)

Your Grl On Base

Breaking Now, Fantasy, State of the Union

You May Say I’m a Dreamer… But I’m Not the Only One: On Fantasy & The WBC

Screen Shot 2017-04-01 at 1.48.11 PM

What do Team USA & I have in common?

All we do is win.

The US has their first WBC title


I am in possession of my Fantasy league’s schmexy trophy jacket. 🙂


I’m planning a parade



But then,

I did actually win this jacket &

It was not easy &

That’s the point.

Interestingly enough, the league-mate who has been coming for my jacket the hardest (by way of talk) is the Newbie

A Cards fan, who drafted Yadi.


All I can say is-

The Cards‘ home opener is tomorrow &

They are playing the Cubs &

I have Bryant & Rizzo &

We are going to hit him where it hurts. ❤

What hurts the most
Was being so close
& Watching Thor go away-

Never knowing
What could have been
& That not sleeping on him
Is what I was tryin’ to do 😥

 I prepped for days, even made a binder w/ Syndergaard’s New Yorker cover on it…



…Losing my NUMBER ONE BASEBALL VALENTINE was definitely the worst part of the draft for me… To make matters worse, my week 1 matchup is against the Palmballers

That makes for a Terrible, Horrible, Noah Good Opening Day for the ‘Staches. 😥

But that’s the draft-

We all come thinking we have everything to gain…


When really-

One person’s gain is everyone else’s pain


One person’s pain is everyone else’s gain


As you can see,


We all packed a lot of both into one small karaoke studio in Little Tokyo.

But in the end-




The reality is, we are a shallow league. We all have amazing teams.

I slept on Syndergaard, but I still got 4 of my Top 10′ (Archer, Marte, Bryant, & Machado.) Plus, I picked up Stroman… & got to watch him become WBC MVP after going 6 hitless for Team USA in the final game.

(I’m so glad I got to share that moment with Commissioner Crabtree & his ‘wave’ of solid pitching. 😉 )


YesThe WAVE is back… The one chick in the league still digs the long ball (you can take the grl outta Camden…) The Palmballers had another quietly strong draft complete w/ some well-timed steals…

SOMEONE had to panic & pick an Athletic no one’s ever heard of & so Ryon Healy became a South Bay Baller in round 22. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Of course- I’ve saved the worst & best for last

Along with taking Yadi, our Resident Rookie (replacing LameFace McGillicuddy) also took J.D. Martinez, David Price, Ian Desmond, & Carlos Carrasco, ALL of whom are dealing w/ injuries-


That’s the worst.

The best?

The best draft, I have to admit, went to the league Selfie King (a man w/ a fashion scarf is someone to fear.)


Commitment clearly isn’t a problem here… &, while I flirted w/ stocking up on base stealers & quality RPs, K-Town actually scored.

So, let the ‘fuck-withery‘ begin!

B/c, in baseball,

Caring is competing-
That is the real reason why my league & the WBC have meant so much to me.

“‘Baseball has an opportunity to heal the country, because of the political, ethnic and racial diversity in its locker room. No other sport has that…’

-Chuck Todd

I know winning isn’t winning without every other player-



That’s why I’m as proud of being our league’s Lady Champ as I am of all of our beloved MLB players who played their hearts out for their countries of origin in the WBC.

I particularly love what Manny had to say about playing for the Dominican Republic (& what his Abuelo had to say about the importance of the bunt.)


A Team Baller,

Your Grl On Base

Breaking Now, Fantasy, State of the Union

All My Fantasies Are Baseball Fantasies



…It’s like ‘back to school’ swag for people who are too old for Five Star binders, but refuse to grow up & I am here for it.

Just like in the old days, I want it all.

I know I could make all that^ an outfit… all it would take is a LBD, hoops, & black PF Flyers… (&, from now on, that’s the outfit I will be wearing in all my daydreams b/c, sadly, my budget can’t keep up with my cinematic Fantasies.)

Speaking of Fantasies-

My heart stopped when I saw Noah Syndergaard in this promo video.

Fact: He is a Golden God & the only famous person I can remember having had a sex dream about-

It happened shortly after I was traded him in Fantasy last year… & I vaguely remember the words ‘fastball down the middle‘ being used. I woke up giggling… & my husband, already knowing this was baseball-related, sighed & turned his back to me.


Such is the life of the spouse of a Fantasy baseballer… & I feel for him, I really do, but-



Someone’s gotta tell Crabtree how lame ‘The Wave’ is & crush his hopes & dreams-


& I am here for that too.

With Spring Training right around the corner, it is also almost time to resume our Silly Little Game.

Alas, without the Silver Lake ‘Staches, the only thing I’ve been managing is my brother-in-law’s love life… & I am ready to trade in studying selfies for studying players’ stats &, as Valerie Salembier, manager of Salembier’s Flambes, so aptly put it- ‘what they (have) in the back.


Crabtree has ‘fessed up to already living the Fantasy podcast life. (He’s entertaining plans to build his team around Kershaw & delusions of grandeur.)

To which, I say-

Everyone has a strategy before 5+ shots of Crown.

Painted in Waterlogue

Draft Day, Easter 2016. …I went there.


It’s true that one can never be too prepared for Draft Day

But while some choose to dive in head first, I’ve always been a ❤ first kinda grl.

Baseball may be a notorious heart-breaker, but it’s all about courtship going into Spring Training.

1st- It teases you.

Screen Shot 2017-02-05 at 8.49.08 PM.png

Then- It presents you with shiny new swag.

Next- Pitchers & catchers report right around Valentine’s Day.


& you never know what might happen-

‘On March 13, 1954, Milwaukee Braves left fielder Bobby Thomson fractured his ankle while sliding into second base during a Spring Training game. The next day, (Hank) Aaron made his first Spring Training start for the Braves‘ major league team, playing in left field and hitting a home run.[11] This led Hank Aaron to a major league contract, signed on the final day of Spring Training…’

I’m not saying the O’s or the ‘Staches will be getting a Hank Aaron, but we do have Manny.

…I’m also really excited to get a 1st look @ Trey Mancini, Joey Rickard, & Hyun Soo Kim.

In my opinion, Kim is a sleeper going into 2017. He had a bad Spring Training last year & it took awhile for the O’s to really give him a chance, but when they did- he was great about capitalizing on opportunities to get on base. It was also his first year in the MLB, so I suspect he’ll get off to an easier start this year.

The O’s love the long ball, but I think guys like Kim (& Rickard) are going to be clutch when our sluggers are slumping…

Still- It’s ALL just Fantasy till the season officially starts.

❤ ❤ ❤

On Tenterhooks,

Your Grl On Base

Fantasy, Word on the Streak

Catching Up + a Fantasy & BTS Doubleheader!

A lot has happened since my last post:

– I watched the Tampa Bay Rays play an exhibition game in Cuba. It gave me major baseball feels. I cried-

I mean, c’mon, 28-year-old Dayron Varona, the Rays’ leadoff hitter that game, became the first Cuban baseball player to defect & return to play ball in Cuba. He also got to see his sister for the first time in 3 years!

What else?

-O, right:

The Republican candidates got super upset about Obama attending that game after the terrorist attacks in Brussels…

From my POV?


Photo Credit: Chip Somodevilla – Getty Images

Obama = that game’s MVP (#baller)


Photo Credit: Spencer Platt – Getty Images

Cruz = living proof that if you keep making that face it’ll stay that way (#hater)

…Also, let us not forget that Cruz IS CUBAN AMERICAN, which begs the question-

What is wrong with him?!

O, right:


Photo Credit: Spencer Platt – Getty Images

Speaking of haters…

-In MMA/UFC news, Cormier pulled out of his fight against Jon Bones Jones due to a leg injury, which sucks because I was really looking forward to it… but at least their Twitter feud is almost as entertaining.

(Before Cormier pulled out, Jones posed an open question on Twitter, asking what tactics he should employ against Cormier- I suggested rear naked cupcakes, ‘cause Cormier strikes me as a guy who can’t resist a cupcake. 😛 Not surprisingly, I didn’t get a response.)


& that means…

-Fantasy baseball & Beat The Streak are also back & that’s what today’s doubleheader is all about.

I’m no expert on either, but-

…What I like about fantasy baseball is that, as far as I can tell, it’s like playing the ultimate Stratego game with the ultimate nerds & I love me some Stratego. (I used to beat the boys at daycare so bad…)

So, on Easter Sunday, my H2H league had an awesome, old school off-line draft, with one out-of-towner phoning in. The draft took place at my (& 3 other league members’) place of employment- a frame shop. We set up in the back room, which, to me, was so cool- like holding a meeting in a secret clubhouse. Our resident Selfie King documented the proceedings & throughout the rest of this post you’ll get to see some of his fine photojournalism, which I have put through a beer-goggle-like filter to reflect everyone’s level of inebriation… But, also, to give everyone some anonymity, so that I don’t embarrass anyone (including myself.) Before you say, ‘Aww, how sweet,’ keep reading-

We’re nearing the end of week 1 of fantasy &, just like in daycare, I am SLAYING.

To be fair,

I am in the shallowest league ever (6 teams) &…

-The person I’m playing this week, who I thought was going to be one of the biggest threats, DIDN’T EVEN SET A LINEUP TILL TUESDAY, ‘CAUSE HE COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE THE YAHOO FANTASY APP.

Painted in Waterlogue

As our production manager at work would say, AWW, C’MON, MAN!!

-Then, there’s our commissioner who choked at the end of the draft & drafted 5 ATHLETICS IN A ROW…

Note: We had a draft by-law that stated that a shot must be taken each time you draft a player from ‘your team’ (in my case, the O’s/in his case, the A’s.)

Painted in Waterlogue

Mistakes being made.

…It was also reported by his girlfriend, who was present at the draft, that he drunkenly sang ‘Down Under’ by Men At Work on the car ride home, protesting each time she tried to turn down the volume on the car radio. So, shout-out to the spouses & significant others of fantasy baseballers, the unsung heroes of fantasy baseball.

-Finally, there’s our out-of-towner, aka LameFace McGillicuddy, who did NO DRAFT PREP WHATSOEVER, made everyone else do the strange, thankless task of drafting his team for him &, ultimately, hung up on us not even 5 rounds in. :/

I got a text from him saying just, ‘I’m going to eat I’ll ttyl.’ He was not heard from again for the remainder of the draft.

He did however set his lineup on time & IS SOMEHOW DOING OK?! 😡

…In my opinion? We were far too good to him when drafting his team. What he really deserved was- Coco Crisp, some Phillies, & a bunch of sh*tty non-closer relievers. Instead- our aforementioned commissioner & Men At Work enthusiast GAVE HIM CHRIS DAVIS. I still cannot believe it.

Clearly, we’re not professionals, but there are a few things you can learn from us:

  1. The draft is important, do your damn homework. (You could even just make a short list of players you want to prioritize & then download a top 300 list from a fantasy blogger or podcaster you like… bonus points if you do a mock draft or listen to one being done on a podcast, like I did while doing cardio at the gym. It’s that easy.)
  2. Know how to use your league’s agreed upon fantasy platform…
  3. You should probably not draft 5 Athletics in a row under any circumstances. (The Blue Jays, the Cubs, & maaaaybeee the Astros are the only teams I can think of off of the top of my head that I’d even want 5 players from… I’m purposefully leaving out the Royals, because ew, just ew.)
  4. Finally, know that 5+ shots of Crown inevitably leads to madness.

In the end, this is the team I ended up with:

Screen Shot 1

Screen Shot 2

Not Pictured: Cole Hamels Tex – SP

…Why, yes, Tulo did hit the 1st HR of the 2016 season & Archer did get 12 Ks in his first outing- Thanks for noticing. 🙂

Who’d I draft 1st? Kershaw, ‘cause Machado was taken.

What’s my biggest regret? Not drafting one or two more closers.

Was Schoop worth the shot? In the words of a good friend, ‘Schoop is my boy, good height, decent hitting, gritty attitude.’ Personally, I think Schoop has the potential to lead second basemen in HRs this year & I really enjoyed this article on him.

Now, while fantasy baseball is about strategy & maintaining relative sobriety (esp. during your draft,) Beat The Streak is about the RUSH.

BTS is like baseball crack, you live & die for your next hit & you pray that you know where, or who rather, it’s coming from…

It involves high highs & low lows. You try to push it on your friends & once they’re also addicted, everyone turns against each other. It makes you paranoid. It becomes harder & harder to maintain relationships with people who aren’t also addicts. It drives you toward irrational behavior, like locking yourself in the bathroom at a wine bar because you want a safe place to curse at your phone while fighting back tears. (Or, maybe, that’s just me?)

Don’t even get me started on what it did to my marriage last year-

My husband, up for sainthood any day now, likes to sleep in & snuggle on Sunday mornings. (Who doesn’t?)

…Did I allow him that one simple pleasure? No. I was up at 6 AM on Sunday mornings, pouring over my BTS Excel spreadsheet, trying to determine who to pick to get a hit. Pretty eccentric. But. That’s what BTS does to you.

I became convinced it was my job & that beating the streak was within the realm of possibility. I forgot the insane odds & became obsessed.

So, instead of getting to sleep in & spoon, my husband would wake up to the glow of my computer screen, make a face like Ted Cruz, mumble unintelligibly, then turn away in defeat.

…After all that work, what was my highest streak? Sixteen. SIXTEEN. Pathetic.

This year, however, there will be no Excel spreadsheet & more snugz.

Why? Because I finally have some perspective & value my marriage?? Yes. But also– the BTS app now has some handy filters that takes a lot of the work out of making an educated pick. For instance- you can now search for all batters facing a pitcher that throws with the opposite hand, batters who bat toward the top of the lineup & therefore get more at bats, etc… I’m looking forward to getting more sleep (even if all I’ll be dreaming of are sweet, sweet hits.) SEVENTEEN, here I come! 😉

Now, go download the app so we can all be junkies together!

From here on out, I’ll be regularly updating you on my fantasy and BTS progress (I picked Machado yesterday, today I have Dexter Fowler, & I put in Prince Fielder for tomorrow,) but-

Right now? I gotta go tinker with today’s fantasy lineup!

Painted in Waterlogue

Cheers, your grl on base.