Breaking Now, Foul Ball, Playing Defense

If You’re A Feminist, Bend The F*cking Knee…

You know what’s more refreshing than finding a walking-distance waxing studio in LA that you feel TOTALLY COMFORTABLE in?

Finding a waxer who can talk MMA & UFC.

For me, it is one of the last pieces of an admittedly superficial puzzle that I have been hoping to complete by the time I’m thirty. Other pieces I have finally found include my perfect jeans & correct bra size…

Anyways,

There we were, last Saturday, two minority women, going about business as usual & having a candid discussion about Mayweather VS McGregor.

I asked Yani (my waxer) if she likes MMA & if she watched UFC fights. She said, yes & yes, which, for me, warrants a throw-back TayTay happy/surprised face-

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Yani was rooting for Mayweather while I was rooting for McGregor & we got to talking about humble beginnings-

I told her about Conor’s past as a plumber in Ireland, which she hadn’t known about, & she told me that Dana White used to be a bouncer, which I hadn’t known.

Then she said, ‘With a girl’s name, like ‘Dana,’ he must have gotten picked on a lot & probably had to get tough.’

Of course! Johnny Cash taught me that!

But honestly-

The thought that DANA WHITE, of all people, has a ‘girl’s name’ had NEVER occurred to me…

Because, he is DANA WHITE.

Now, I wouldn’t normally write about a trip to the waxer on the internet nor would I think that my conversation with Yani was anything extraordinary…

BUT THEN

THIS HAPPENED-

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&

I WANTED TO SCREAM AT LAUREN DUCA

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ESP AFTER-

THIS & THIS

& THIS TWEET-

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Which, to me, also translates to:

TAYLOR SWIFT IS A FEMINIST HERO WHO DESERVES NOTHING OTHER THAN UNWAVERING SUPPORT.

BUT!

Apparently, that is one step too far… For no apparent reason, that I can see, other than the fact that she is TAYLOR SWIFT.

I am genuinely shocked by the female backlash to LWYMMD, because if we were following fight rules-

“PROTECT YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES.”

Taylor would be one of the most celebrated female fighters of our time (instead of one of the most hated pop stars) & we would all be talking about Taylor Swift, 27,’s incredible knock-out win over Denver DJ, David Mueller, 55.

Instead, I keep hearing that Swift defending herself against attacks from other women is anti-feminist & her defending herself against Kanye is part of the larger problem of white privilege.

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Did we expect the young woman who just won her sexual assault trial to just ‘sit back & take it?’

(Are we over the fact that we have an abuser-in-chief who said it was okay to grab women by the p*ssy?)

In fighting, equality is the only term you accept before you start swinging.

McGregor landing a righteous uppercut on Mayweather is equality

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Photo: Isaac Brekken/AP

&

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Photo: Mark J. Rebilas/USA TODAY Sports

Mayweather knocking McGregor out is equality too.

“It used to be hard for me to watch,” Yani said, “but now, I’ll surprise my husband at the way I yell at the TV, telling them to hit each other.”

I laughed & told her that’s exactly how it is in my house too-

“You start to realize it’s an elegant game of strategy.”

“YES! Do you watch female fighting too?” She asked in an excited voice.

“Of course! Female fighters have some of the best, bloodiest fights.”

Is it considered anti-feminist for a female fighter to land a counter-punch on another female fighter?

No, actually, that’s equality. (I wonder if Lauren Duca watches MMA.)

So, why can’t we accept it when it comes from Taylor Swift?

Is it because the world of pop is somehow supposed to be more ‘polite?’

(What about Katy Perry’s ‘Swish Swish’?)

“Sometimes when I’m trying to understand a person’s motives, I play a little game. I assume the worst.”

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Question: What’s the worst reason we could have for hating T. Swift?

Answer: We equate her success with validation for the principles we feel personally oppressed by &, instead of hating oppression & inequality, we start to hate Taylor as we, in turn, become oppressors ourselves.

Now, let me ask, where in Taylor’s ouvre do you see her glorifying ANY form of inequality or oppression?

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While we have been equating Taylor to a White Walker,

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She has been using her success to fight for musician’s rights & as a platform to empower sexual assault survivors while fighting against rape culture in court…

& all we can talk about are the drawings.

 I understand why Taylor Swift is angry

&

It is a healthy, feminist anger.

We, like Kanye, have tried to make her part of our narrative

&

Taylor devouring her would-be destroyers,

Such as Kimye & Katy,

Before they could devour her

Is no different from Arya Stark killing, then wearing the faces of, those who have wronged her.

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Except-

Arya is fictional. She didn’t really do that. She can’t.

Taylor is real & she just did that-

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So, if you are a feminist fantasizing about Arya sitting on the Iron Throne

Then

Do me a favor-

Bend the f*cking knee

To a real bad*ss chick making self-defense sexy for real women.

Because

If a boy named ‘Dana‘ can make the UFC what it is today, then a girl named ‘Taylor Swift’ should be able reinvent herself as a Tea-Sipping Serpentine Queen.

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“Maybe I have overlearned the lesson of staying calm, biting my tongue, digging my fingernails into a clenched fist, smiling all the while, determined to present a composed face to the world.”

Hillary Clinton

Sipping ice tea till this heat wave passes,

Grl On Base

 

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Foul Ball, Playing Defense

#Feminism = The Belief In Basic Human Decency …& Tacos

Yesterday, on International Women’s Day, I wore red to work, but I was still avoiding my old-new-favorite lunch place b/c of a dude who works there-

A dude, who’d asked me out while proudly rocking a cold sore & said, ‘I don’t care,’ when I told him I’m married.

A dude who knows I work across the street & run on tacos.

A dude, who’d always been a little inappropriate

Y’know,

A dude, who I’d always thought was ‘just being a dude.’

:/

See,

#Manspreading has been around for a very long time-

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&

It isn’t just limited to public transportation & Conor McGregor

It’s the state of believing that, as a man, you have the right to more & to be more comfortable.

It is about wanting to have the most space (& power)-

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The first time I noticed it was in school, where I found myself perpetually sandwiched between the dirty sneakers of #manspreadersintraining sitting behind me & the greasy hair of ones seated in front of me.

…That was well before there was a term for #manspreading & before anyone had explained to me that #feminists are just full of,

Y’know,

WANTING WOMEN TO BE TREATED WITH BASIC HUMAN DECENCY-

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#Feminism is important to me b/c, growing-up, whenever I had experiences where I wasn’t treated w/ basic human decency by men, I’d just think-

‘Well, that sucked, but that’s life.’

Now, I know it was/is just,

Y’know,

#Sexism-

Which is a name for something I/WE can fight.

Tomorrow, I’m grabbing back my tacos
&
I encourage all women everywhere to do the same.

#TakeBackYourSpace

…Here’s a helpful ‘how-to’ video from last night’s Survivor premiere,

Courtesy of Sandra Diaz-Twine aka #THEQUEEN

SHE WAS EVEN WEARING RED.

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Well-played, Sandra.

TY for the reminder that to stay #THEQUEEN, you must always move like #THEQUEEN.

Taco Queen,

Your Grl On Base

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Foul Ball

Deadpool = Royally Bad

Welp, I’m just going to say it-

 I would rather see the Royals in the 2016 playoffs than see Deadpool again.

…I knew from the opening credits, the way you know when your team is playing the Royals in a post-season game, that it was going to be a sh*t show-

I did NOT know it was going to be a seemingly un-ending, incredibly sexist, subtly racist barrage of torture porn and violence.

In fact, unlike most Royals games, I was looking forward to seeing Deadpool. It was my husband, a weary Hollywood screenwriter, who was dragging his feet on going (anything scripted gives him work agita.)

Then, his brother came to stay with us for the weekend and we were both like-

‘OMG, LETZ GO SEE DEADPOOL!

So, on a Sunday that started like a Wes Anderson movie (twins playing guitars,) we made our way to see DEADPOOL! and it went a little something like this-

The horror

I watched as it got more and more f*cked up.

It must have f*cked me up, because for days afterwards I couldn’t stop coming up with new ways to describe how awful it was. It consumed me. Finally, I hit rock bottom and created this-

We'll Never Be Royaaals

Contributers: Caravaggio, John Rieger & Thomas Shea @ USA TODAY Sports, Sluggerrr… & myself (for doing the cutting and pasting!)

 …It’s essentially a postmodern breakdown of game 2 of the 2015 ALDS.

‘We Will Never Be Royaaalsis the current working title, but I’m open to other suggestions.

The point is-

What I’ve made is ridiculous. It’s gratuitous and irreverent and just because it’s sorta funny doesn’t mean it has any right existing-

That is exactly how I felt about Deadpool.

I felt like it crossed too many lines while proving nothing-

Given how f*cked up the non-fiction world is right now, surely Hollywood can give us better than that?

This is actually happening in the world.

So, why do we need to have a leading man, in a superhero movie kids can’t help but want to see, graphically tortured to the point of disfiguration?

Many people go to the movies for a fun distraction. What if you were dealing with a cancer diagnosis? Recovering from a burn wound? What if you’re a survivor of domestic abuse? …That’s seriousperiod. Those lines between Deadpool and Vanessa that make light of being abused are not funnyperiod. :/

(By the way- People will laugh at a video of a person running into a pole over and over again. Does that make it a great film? What if the person running into the pole intermittently addresses the viewer and cracks a joke or two? Hmm?)

But, let’s move on-

to SEXISM!

I mean, I am a GRL first and I would not encourage other GRLS to see this movie.

Deadpool’s GRL problem is clearly depicted in the scene where Vanessa straps it on and whispers in Deadpool’s ear, ‘Happy International Woman’s Day.’

To me, that scene isn’t about Deadpool’s supposed bisexuality (if it is, it’s poorly done.) It’s about a fundamental misunderstanding of feminism-

Feminism isn’t about fucking over men. It’s not about dominance.

…It’s not even about ‘rejecting the overall roles that men and women play in our society—the notion that there should be any differences between the sexes whatever other than the physiological ones.

It’s about equality and choice.

…It’s not about wishing that all baseball analysts be women, but understanding the importance of women like Jessica Mendoza.

…It’s about being outraged by what happened to Erin Andrews and others before her. (If they were male, I’d be just as outraged, but they aren’t are they?)

…It’s about not making the female lead a helpless damsel-in-distress, whose fate is left in the hands of two giant a-holes

Seriously, Deadpool’s leaving was a d*ck move (also a stupid one)-

So, why doesn’t Vanessa move on to a new, better relationship? (One where her partner stays with her through the good and the bad.)

I’ll tell you why-

It’s because this movie also has an insidious slut-shaming problem that goes hand in hand with its sexism.

Case-in-point(s)-

-Vanessa is a sex worker when she & Deadpool meet, yet- you never see her with another guy (or girl.) Ever. (I guess she quit after she and Deadpool started dating.)

When Deadpool comes back after leaving her in the middle of the goddamn night… she’s single and working hard… at a strip club… as wait for ita cocktail waitressnot as a stripper- implying that if she was, she wouldn’t be good enough to be ‘Deadpool’s Girlfriend.’

But, the real question is-
Why can’t she be the running place? #GIRLBOSS

…To those of you who point to her coming to Deadpool’s aid in the final battle as evidence of her empowerment, I ask-

Why, because she saved her sarcastic d*ck of an ex after he left her and then came back only to get her kidnapped by the world’s most sadistic –and ridiculous- Brit?

Let’s just say, I’m not convinced.

I also had a problem with seeing Colossus –a giant man- repeatedly hitting Angel Dust.

Yes, Gina Carano is a badass, but- with all the domestic violence issues in pro sports today- do we really have to go there like that?

…Speaking of going there Karan Soni, the American-born actor who plays Dopinder (the cab driver with a heavy Indian accent,) actually speaks like this.

Casually breezing by the fact that Deadpool refuses to pay him and encourages him to kidnap his crush…

Isn’t that what Aziz Ansari is talking about here?

Why couldn’t Karan Soni use his normal speaking voice for that role?

This is 2016 not 1961.

To those of you still insisting-

‘But, that’s how it’s written in the comic books!’

Maybe, I’m saying I have a problem with how it’s written.

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‘What’s that? You like comic books?! I’m sorry, we can’t be friends- I only speak baseball.’

(That’s okay,

I’m not a comic book nerd-

Clearly, I mean, I am a GRL

& no GRLs like comic books, just like no GRLs like baseball… Right?)

…Look, I can’t stop Deadpool from doing really well or the Royals from making it to the playoffs again, but-

I can choose to believe that we’re better than that and that, unlike Deadpool, people shouldn’t be cynical to a fault. …I mean, I’m an O’s fan, but even I’m sorta pullin’ for the Cubs this year. Yeah, even after that #partyFowler with Dexter. (Just please, no more Royals. Pleaaaase.)

I leave you with this excellent review of Deadpool

& this drawing by my brother-in-law:

MyGod

Shaking my head, your grl on base.

 

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